First Love

Two weeks ago, we drove up to Cornell to bring Caleb up for summer session. I've been in Ithaca several times since coming back to NY, but the other times were either rushed or filled with seeing people...and it was colder. This time though, per Jeff's suggestion, got to take some time at night to walk around campus and look up. "Why do you thing God brought you here to Cornell?" The first thing thing I could think of was "To change my life." That was like the play-button or something because then started the reel...

All these memories replayed in my mind, showing me how faithful God has been and how real he felt to me then. I started remembering all these prayers I'd lifted up to God, times of frustration and questioning, times of rejoicing, major decisions I made, breakthroughs of surrender in my life, and just a sense of the deep intimacy with God I first started to experience in college.

As I've been coming up again to new points of surrender to God regarding his will and my own, it was a blessing to remember the things that, by grace, I had already said to God during my undergrad years. That I wanted to follow him, that I wanted nothing else than to know him, that my life was not my own...and to remember the context in which I prayed those things- in the transforming love of Christ and in a response of joyful gratitude.

Often it's felt like so much has changed since then and many times in the last few years, I've wondered "what happened?" Sure, I was immature in my zeal and did a lot of things in pride during that time, but at least I was excited, passionate, and felt close to God. What happened to that love? Why have things started to feel like drudgery?

I believe that part of it is God maturing me in my faith- what happens when I don't feel it? That he doesn't feel as near? That I'm not excited? It doesn't mean that I'm losing my faith, on the contrary, those are times that faith is refined. Still, up at Cornell again I didn't want to move...I missed that freshness in my walk with God and that closeness. In that, God gave me Hebrews 13:8...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

Thankful to remember that Jesus Christ is the same today. That the same God who I was getting to know in college and changed my life, continues to be the One who walks with me faithfully today.