I've been told this before and agreed, but didn't see it clearly in myself nor recognize it as wrong until I was teaching English in Xiamen. The kids were being rowdy already and I'd been losing my voice trying to speak over them, they were being reluctant about signing up for Olympic games, and we had just one more spot to fill that no one would sign up for. On top of this, I had to stand in front of the door so they wouldn't leave because they were complaining about getting out to lunch. Finally, I said "Ok, fine. We'll just have one person play this game. Go to lunch." I walked out to door feeling annoyed, but not that angry.
Even as the rest of the team confessed to having a hard morning and being angry with the kids, I didn't feel like I was mad until I passed by two of my students in the hallway. I responded to their "HIII MISSS FAAAIIITHHHH" with a "hello" and just totally walked past them. I wasn't going to shout at them. But I wouldn't keep loving them- I withheld because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. It freaked me out because I realized how sinful it was and how damaging it could be to those around me and destructive to my relationships. I don't want to make people feel like they have to earn my affection and approval. I don't want people to have to guess about how I'm doing, trying to figure out how I feel because I'm upset and I'm giving them the cold shoulder. I'm still learning about this, I close up to others and my heart shuts when I'm angry/ frustrated...But I'm learning to repent, talk it out, asking God to change me.
I'm thankful though, that God isn't like me.
For reasons beyond me (and totally about him) my life seems to show that God is committed to blessing me. Not necessarily by giving me what I want all the time. But that's the amazing thing. He's committed to blessing me with what is best, even though I complain against his way and his will. In my flesh, I even wanted to cancel the Olympics "You guys don't want to play these games? Fine! You miss out!" But God is so different. I question him in anger sometimes, with the ignorant and ungrateful audacity to say things like "Why do I always have to do what I don't want to do?" which implies "Why do you make me do this??" I am ungrateful for his leading. I have been in the past, and I'm struggling even with it now.
God is perfect in all his ways. He is loving and merciful. He is righteous and holy, deserving of my joyful obedience. And yet, even when I drag my feet with the wrong attitude, acting as if I'm doing God a favor by obeying him, questioning if he is good and if his ways are really best/worth it...he continues to shower me with grace upon grace. He continues to bear with me as he leads me down his path and his purpose until I finally am silenced because I really see that his way has been better all along. God is committed to me in a way that I have only started to comprehend.
If we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2:13
2 Timothy 2:13
Really now, who is like our God?
4 comments:
I catch myself reacting in a similar way when I teach as well. The primal emotions that get stirred up when one teaches can be quite surprising and scary.
I love this post. I haven't been in a teaching position recently, but I'm sure this will apply when I have kids. :P
there is truly none like him.
i agree, we're lead to places where we don't want to be. but dragging out heels doesn't make it better...
haha. how patient God is with us!
wow, thanks, the first part helped me a lot--like sometimes I don't even realize stuff like that. It's cool that God showed that to you.
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