Say Your Name

In the past, the different aspects of life have been relatively segregated from each other. Since God really took a hold of my heart in college, it's been relatively easy to pinpoint whether or not time was being delegated to things that were "spiritual" or not. QTs, fellowship, meet ups, prayer meetings- God's time. Living with believers, having few responsibilities (school was the only one), etc...made that most of my time. Then it was ministry for 2 years, where my family life and relationships on the East Coast were put on hold for a bit. And even after being back, spring semester of last year I was staying full-time near WTS for classes in seminary.

This season of life, particularly this last semester, has been for me a lot about learning what it means to worship like Paul talks about in Romans 12:1. I'd been learning about not dividing the "spiritual" from "non-spiritual" things in Scripture and in my Biblical worldview, and when all the parts of my life started to merged in a more "real life" kind of way (apart from the not working part), I started to ask God to teach me how to offer up my life as a spiritual act of worship. Being a full-time student at Queens College (and commuting weekly), living as a daughter at home on the weekends, traveling once a week to WTS, serving at the Flushing church on Sundays, growing as a girlfriend, teaching at Urban Impact, and still desiring to maintain God-given relationships, I guess it's a delayed coming-out-of-the-bubble effect that people talk about when graduating college.

It's been hard not using the measures I used in the past to judge how much or well I'm serving now. Even at the end of this past semester, I started to doubt and wonder, "Have I been using my time well?" I always thought that the "popping the bubble" effect had to do more with relationships with brothers and sisters becoming less time-intensive due to not being on campus and because work-life takes so much time and energy. I also kind of saw it as a bad thing. I'm seeing now it has more to do with growing and learning to be a worshiper in a new season of life.

Recently, I've wanting to know what it means to be a worshipper of God in a dating relationship, and thinking about what it means to one day (God-willing) be a worshipper of God as a wife. It will look (and even now seems to be looking) different than what things looked like before.. in terms of time, in terms of having more on my heart and mind that doesn't seem to be directly God or ministry-related, in terms of my affections and devotion. I'm starting to think about the whole "undivided devotion" Paul talks about in 1 Cor. 7. In many ways, it seemed simple to think about what it meant to offer this part of my heart to God when I wasn't dating. It was a struggle, but it was simple: offer up my desires to God, trust him in his timing, don't think about it yet because it's not time! Now it's not the same...it wouldn't be loving toward Jeff or God for me to say that the only way I'm worshiping God white dating would be to deny care and affection in a relationship. I'm called to love God more and more, but that's not by loving others less. So what does it mean??

I'm not really sure. Praying about it, hoping to learn from others (any recommended resources?)...but I've been blessed by Bethany Dillon's "Say Your Name" (from this album), which she wrote in the midst of this struggle in marriage life and just life in general. I really like the part in the chorus where she says:

This breath, that comes from you, helps me say your name.

I'm glad I don't have to walk around in fear of living in this season of life, because I do believe everything in my life now has been placed by God. And I'm reminded that it's the Lord that has helped and given me breath to worship him up til now...and he's the one who will continue to help me say his name.

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This is where Bethany Dillon shares about it! Thanks, baby!