Shouted Whispers

Happy 30th!

2012-01-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

Happy 30th birthday to my husband, daughter's daddy, and best friend!

I am so thankful for this man of God in my life. It has been an amazing privilege to be his wife and helper with a front row seat to see him grow as a God-worshipper, husband, daddy, and pastor.

Hun, I can't believe that when we first met, you were only 21! =) Thank you for taking care of me through the years, for your servant-leadership in our family and for leading us in love. Hope is blessed to have you as a daddy and I pray that when she grows up, she will marry someone like you. I love you!

Conviction and Freedom from Guilt

2012-01-12T14:36:00.001-08:00

Thank you so much for those of you who have responded in some way to my last post! I wanted to share with you a resource that God has used to speak clarity powerfully into the struggles I had written about. Since the last time I posted, I have experienced a great measure of freedom partly in due to this sermon as well as through speaking with Jeff.

John Piper gave a message titled "The Relationship Between Diversified Domestic Ministries and Frontier Missions" that I recommend to whoever is thinking about these issues. (Please give it a listen or at least read through the transcript!) Hearing about our individual callings in perspective of what God is doing globally and also having the diversity of calling affirmed as from God has been freeing for me. Since being encouraged by this message to be fully persuaded of my own calling so that I am not subject to guilt and defensiveness, I am no longer feeling condemned when I hear from people with different convictions, but can actually rejoice with and be passionate with others! I am also reminded to be humble and less quick to judge others with different types of ministries that are still Biblical.

Here are a few excerpts from the transcript:

5 principles from Romans 14:

1. There will always be diversity in the church, even diversity of conviction about what the will of the Lord is for some areas of behavior.

2. Many of these differences we should not distinguish as good and evil. Sin is what does not come from faith. But our varying perspectives and varying degrees of faith, give rise to differing choice which may both honor Christ as acceptable choices.

3. Therefore, we must not despise or condemn our brothers and sisters, but trust their Master and ours to deal with his servants wisely.

4. We should all seek to be fully persuaded in the convictions we follow so that we are not immobilized by indecision or plagued with a guilty conscience.

5. We should do all we do for the honor of Christ and with a heart full of thanksgiving to him.

Applying these points to our lives:

1. Affirm and rejoice in diversity. It is here to stay, and we must get beyond our defensiveness.

2. Don't distinguish differences of this kind by saying one is good and another is evil.

3. Don't despise or condemn someone because he doesn't feel called to your ministry or mission. Try to see how your mutual callings complement each other in Christ's overall purposes.

4. Be fully persuaded in your own mind. Pray, study, know yourself. Settle it before God that this is your ministry for now and relax and put aside the need to defend yourself or criticize others. God accepts a wide range of choices as obedience when we have humbled ourselves and sought his will in Scripture and stepped out decisively for him.

5. Do all you do from faith for the honor of Christ with a heart full of thanksgiving for his infinite grace.

About our individual callings:

"Now let me close by applying all this to your individual life. For all our similarity we are a very diverse group of people in the church. There are followers and leaders, emotional and stoical, organized and unorganized, thrifty and lavish, intelligent and unintelligent, readers and non-readers, planners and drifters, curious and uninterested, expressive and non-verbal, people-oriented and task-oriented, contemplatives and activists, serious and humorous, dignified and casual, etc. We are very diverse.

Add to this that God usually calls us each to the ministry that suits us best so that we can feel satisfied in it. This means that our involvements in domestic ministries and frontier missions are going to be tremendously diverse. And my prayer and goal is that we see the interrelatedness of these so clearly that we will all feel free to do what God is calling us to do without guilt or defensiveness."

Click here for the full text.

Purpose?

2011-12-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

Taken from my journal on Saturday (slightly modified)...

---

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
Psalm 57:2

I watched a short video online today about three unreached people groups in the Himalayas. The need is staggering and my heart was gripped to see images of beautiful people, made in the image of God, who had no access to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There was a moving introduction to an evangelist from Asia who did not have to cross as many cultural barriers to reach the unreached people groups. Statistics were displayed about the disparity of Christian workers among reached vs. unreached peoples. And I was hit again by a familiar guilt at not being nor wanting to be a foreign missionary as a knot formed in my stomach.

I have struggled with this feeling in these past few years, and God has spoken to it at various times. Still, I am hindered by these feelings of guilt that do not compel me to action and involvement in global missions, but cause me to avoid messages, videos, etc. addressing the need and call to foreign missions. It is not that I think it unimportant. On the contrary, my heart knows the need, the call, the "how can they call upon the one whom they have no believed in??" and if I think deeply enough upon in, I am moved to tears by the enormity of the need and the lostness of those who were made in order to bring God glory. It is not that I do not feel "called" by God to "go" (I don't think one needs a specific "call" in order to go). But my heart does not desire to go.

Part of it is that I don't believe that Jeff and my gifts are geared toward long-term foreign missions work. We have served in ministries (in the states and overseas on multiple short-term trips) and it seems as if we have been more effective working in the local church, counseling and discipling believers. This is where we have been fruitful by the grace of God. This is what I enjoy doing and find, I believe, God-given delight in. The convictions I have about foreign missions are real, but they are different than the convictions I have about the local church, the need for sound doctrine in the church, Biblical counseling and discipling, and the need for Gospel-centered families that live out their faith and open their homes to younger believers, missionaries, and non-believers to the glory of God. The conviction about the latter is different because of the strong desire I have to be a direct part in it. I would love to be involved in foreign missions through giving, sending, and praying. But honestly, in my heart I think I feel these are cop-out ways that are due to my unwillingness to suffer for the glory of God. I had this kind of attitude in pride towards other people in the past when talking about missions and I need to repent of it. It was built upon a false understanding of spirituality, living for God's glory, worship, calling, etc. But because of this compulsion that I had that was based upon an incomplete understanding of these things, I find myself now not even living out what I would like to as a sender. I am too busy trying to cover up guilt and condemnation by avoiding taking an active part in missions at all.

Can I be all out a part of God's global work while here in New York? Am I being disobedient to stay when God hasn't given a clear call to stay? Am I disqualifying myself from being able to encourage people toward the mission field when I myself am not going and I can't say "Well, the only reason I'm not going is because God 'made' me stay"? If I can't encourage people toward the missions field, will whatever ministry I serve in end up being insular and uninvolved in God's global purpose and the needs of millions of unreached? These are the questions in my heart. My mind says, yes, I can be a part of God's global work here. No, I'm not being disobedient. No, I am not disqualified and I do not motivate people toward missions in and of itself, but they will go if God calls when I encourage them towards worshipping God and following him with wholehearted pursuit. My heart still needs to be reminded of the truth though when I feel accused. I want to be free from this guilt and be passionately be involved in global missions the way God has called me to be.

After watching that video clip, I read Psalm 57 and verse 2 comforted me. In the midst of being pursued by enemies, David cries out to God for deliverance. While crying to God to save him, he confidently asserts that God will fulfill his purpose for him. In the same way, God is able to save me. He can deliver me from the accusations of the evil one, based on falsehood and twisting of God's truth. He can also save me from the the temptation to live a life founded on comfort, self-centeredness, and self-preservation (the things I fear I would live for if I don't become a missionary). He will fulfill his purpose for me. Thank you, Lord.

I think that much of my guilt about missions is because in the past, I was operating with an understanding God's calling and purpose that wasn't completely Biblical. Some of the main problems were issues of the sacred-secular divide, emphasis on personally fulfilling the Great Commission vs. it being a charge to the whole church and in the context of worship, and measuring fruitfulness with goals related to tangible numbers of people converted (or discipled so they could evangelize so there would be more converts).

In God's sovereignty, I listened to a talk given by Carolyn Mahaney today on"being busy at home" today after wresting with lingering guilt. I have been listening to her series on Titus 2 and SGM messages on Biblical womanhood. I am also reading her book, Feminine Appeal. These resources, plus reflecting on the examples of godly women in my life, have been so helpful, liberating, and challenging at the same time. I have always said that my desire was to be a wife and a mom, serving within that context in ministering to people. If I don't have to be a missionary to please God and live for his Kingdom, I still want to live purposefully and understand my calling in life Biblically- passionately and to his glory. Please pray for me as I continue to wrestle with and learn about what God has called me to in this season as a follower of Jesus, a wife, a mom, and a member of the local church.

1 month!

2011-10-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

Baby Hope turned one month old on Monday. Time flies! She's already so much bigger than she was when she was first born (10 lb. 4 oz. on Monday). We are sleep deprived here but thankful. =) God has sustained us moment by moment and I am learning to lean on him for grace and help when I need strength. We are also incredibly thankful for help from family.

I'm learning a lot but it's hard to type all of it with one hand (Hope is currently resting on my right arm), so here are some pictures for now!

Looking up at grandma

Hope likes taking naps with daddy

Celebrating one month over dinner

Introducing Hope Alethea Chang

2011-10-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hope Alethea Chang

(Alethea means "Truth" in Greek)

Born September 24, 2011 to two very thankful and happy parents

Thank you for your prayers. =)

37 weeks

2011-09-03T13:56:00.001-07:00

Today, baby Hope is officially full-term! 37 weeks felt so far away during the first trimester, and now I can hardly remember a time when I didn't look like I was carrying a big watermelon everywhere.

I've been wanting to blog about some of the things I've learned and experienced throughout the pregnancy, but haven't been able to organize my thoughts. Still, I figure that with Hope coming any day now, I should at least jot down a few things or I'll never do it!

Life & Death Are In His Hands

From the moment I found out that I was possibly pregnant and onward, it has been a journey of learning to trust that God is good. In the first trimester, I was plagued with so many fears about the possibility of losing the baby, knowing that having a child is not something that is promised or guaranteed to us by God. When it comes down to my own life, sometimes it's easy to believe that I am in control. But with the pregnancy came an acute sense of how wrong that is. There was and is nothing that I can do to absolutely guarantee the health and well-being of the baby growing inside of me. Through all this, God has reminded me that life and death are in his hands alone. The amount of time he grants Jeff and I the privilege of being parents (whether only to a child in-utero or for the rest of our lives) is how long I will have to trust him with our baby's life.

I listened to a podcast last week about parenting and one thing that struck me was one of the counselors saying that there is freedom in knowing that the two biggest things in our children's lives- their eternal salvation and ultimate physical safety- are things that are outside of the realm of our own control. Only in surrender to God and trust in his goodness, in asking that God would use our baby girl's life to bring glory to him- however long and in whatever condition that may be- is my heart finding true rest.

Trophies of Grace

The other fear that has often unexpectedly overwhelmed me, is the idea of me, a sinful person, still on the road of sanctification, being both a wife and a mom. I have felt moved and touched that God would choose to entrust a child to us, but I have also felt a deep sense of inadequacy. How can I be a mom? How can I be a godly mom? A few months ago when I was feeling overwhelmed and caught up in myself, the Holy Spirit reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9 and the sufficiency of God's grace in my weakness. The point of marriage or parenthood is not to showcase my own righteousness, parenting methods, ability, greatness, and glory. It is to be a display of the glorious splendor of God's abounding grace. Instead of dwelling on my own inadequacy, I have been called to humbly look to God, fall on his grace, and seek for all glory to go to him.

I want our family to be trophies of God's grace. I want people to look at us and be amazed at how gracious and powerful God is that he would be able to work in and through broken and weak vessels. Please pray this for us.

Blessings of community

Jeff and I have seen so much of God's provision through the generosity of people around us. Hand-me-downs (in really good condition!), baby shower gifts, etc. have made it so that we have hardly had to purchase anything on our own. Hope has been tremendously blessed- and she's not even born yet! A few weeks ago, the church had a surprise baby shower for us and I was blown away by the love shown to our family. I am so excited that Hope is being brought into such a loving community of believers.

Two things we are praying...

And that we'd appreciate your prayers for...

That Hope would come to know Jesus early on in life and live for him.
For her physical health and safety come delivery day!

One Year Ago

2011-08-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

Not Going At It Alone

2011-08-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

Third year of college, Janice (best friend & apartmentmate) and I had the same class together that we always procrastinated for. The discussion section was in the morning and there'd be assignments due then. We normally finished those assignments and printed them out with just enough time to rush to class, but if we were late even 2 minutes, points would be taken off our section grade. One time, we cut it too close and had way less time than it normally took to get to class (for you Cornellians: 10+ minutes to get from our apt in Collegetown to our classroom on the 2nd floor/back of Kennedy Hall). I remember us trying to rush to class (uphill all the way btw!) and me stopping running just a quarter of the way through (again, for Cornellians, by the time I was the Engineering Quad, I was done. Haha.) I really don't like running and was/am out of shape. And so [cue dramatic movie music] I stop running and start waving Janice to go ahead, saying "Janice!! Go on! Go on without me!" Janice, being the good friend that she is, was like "No! Come on! Let's keep going!!" We made it to our section in RECORD time, no joke, and didn't lose any points! Yay!

Great story, yeah? Haha. I was reminded of it this week because I've been reading Hebrews. Two days ago, as I read Hebrews 13 about running with endurance, not being discouraged as God disciplines us, etc., the call to persevere and endure in faith through suffering weighed heavily on me as I read. For some reason, as I read it just felt so...impossible. Of course, I know it's impossible to heed the call to persevere in faith without Jesus Christ, our great high priest. He is the one that makes following him possible. But, as I read it, it still felt so heavy, almost an impossible burden.

A few hours later, I got a phone call from a sister in Christ who I don't get to see or interact with often, but is like a kindred spirit to me. She was just driving and thought to call, and as we caught up, I was so encouraged. In her honest sharing, I saw the reality of the struggles and trials she was going through, but at the same time, as she shared, I felt like my soul was being refreshed. It was refreshing not because of her honesty in and of itself, but how in it, I could see her heart's desire to trust and see God in it all. Not in a forced "yeah, yeah, God is still in control I know..." or "oh, I'm TOTALLY fine and everything is great because it will be okay in the end!" way, but in a way that flowed genuinely and naturally from the heart of a daughter of God- the way that quiet strength and faith shines forth in weakness. As we finished talking and started praying together, the Holy Spirit showed me what I'd been missing as I'd read through Hebrews.

I was reading Hebrews as if it was only written to me and as if I were living the Christian life alone. Of course, I know it wasn't originally and only written for me, but I had forgotten that it was written to a community of believers and that I was also called to live in community. All of a sudden, so many of the exhortations in Hebrews started hitting me at a heart level:

Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. (Hebrews 3:12-14)

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
(Hebrews 10:23-25 ESV)

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.
(Hebrews 12:15-16)

It's so natural for me to read Scripture and think about life or the Christian walk from an individualistic point of view, but I'm so thankful that the reality is, I'm not called to walk alone. I am running this race with my husband, with my family, with other brothers and sisters in Christ. With this thought, the feeling of the burden in following and enduring has lifted up, and I look forward to pressing on and exhorting others to continue on as well. Though still imperfect and in the middle of our own sanctification, we encourage one another to keep looking to Jesus when it feels like it's impossible to do so on our own. My heart fills with joy at this truth. What a great privilege and what a great calling.

Happy Daddy's Day!

2011-06-19T09:58:00.001-07:00

Happy Daddy's day to the one-and-only...

fun,

sing-y,

faithful,

...Daddy Chan!

The older that I get, the more and more thankful I am for my daddy. He has reflected the Heavenly Father to me in the many ways that he's provided and cared for us. But the most significant thing that I have come to understand about God through my dad is through the way that he delights in me. From the time we were young and he would come home from work and play "octopus" with us, to the way he said "I'm going to give you away like this one day! =(" when I took his arm in junior high ("but daddy, I'm only 12 years old!"), to how I knew when I called him from college that he meant it when he said "It's good just to hear your voice!", to how he met with Jeff so many times before we got engaged (the "first date" that Jeff had was with my dad) and the way that he has always been proud of me just because I'm his daughter and not because of my performance...I understand the heart of God who delights in me as his daughter, and I come to trust in my Heavenly Father even more deeply. Thankful for my daddy who loves God and loves his family!

I love you a billion daddy!

Coming in September

2011-05-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

We'll be meeting Baby Chang 1 in September! =) Will write more later.

Happy Mommy's Day!

2011-05-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Mommy's Day to the greatest woman I know!

Congratulations for raising three amazing children! (Haha.. kidding. I made that joke to her earlier already.)

Thankful for this silly...

beautiful...

woman of God...

who has raised the three of us in the fear and love of God. She's loved unconditionally and without thanks (and continues to do so now, though hopefully now less thanklessly.) She serves and doesn't keep count. She is one of the bravest people I know, fearing God and not man. She speaks and holds onto the truth of God with conviction and firmness. She has modeled to me what it means to love others. She loves God and loves us. Jesus is her life.

I want to be like her when I grow up! =)

The Sign Of Jonah

2011-04-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

I love it when God's truth breaks through to new ground in my heart.

Two Sundays ago, Jeff spoke on Matthew 11:38-48, where the Pharisees ask Jesus for a sign, he calls them wicked and evil, and says that no sign will be given to them except the "sign of Jonah". Jeff spoke about Jesus' reaction to the Pharisees and about having the right heart before God when we ask him to show himself. Even though Jesus seemingly denied the Pharisees what they were asking for, he really didn't. He answered them, pointing to the sure sign of his death and resurrection.

The part of the message that hit me the most was how as Christians, we may be tempted to live from "sign to sign" in our own lives of what God did/does, but the one that our faith needs to be rooted on is the sign of his death and resurrection. God used that message to answer a prayer that I had been praying for a long time: for God to correct my twisted view about him, especially in relation to his will.

For a long time, I have struggled with a bit of a skewed view about God's will. I know that in the end, all things will work out for God's glory and my good- but my fear is not about the ends, it's about the means. I know that sometimes God uses difficult things in life for these ends. That scares me. Somehow, then, I've developed over the years a view that what God wants for me is always the hard thing or the thing I don't want. I basically project worst-case scenarios convince myself that they will happen, of course, for an ultimate good.

Case in point: My first year in college. I felt that I needed God to humble and break me which led me immediately to think of the most difficult thing that could ever happen to me. For a while, I was seriously convinced that someone in my family was going to die that year. That's probably the most extreme case. But then, there was also me being sure I'd end up single a lot longer or for life because of how much I wanted to get married. When Jeff and I started dating, I told him that I was surprised that I was dating so soon and he said "Yea, I thought it'd be at least not for a couple of months." I had meant like, fifteen, twenty years or...never.

My twisted mentality about God and his will causes me to be filled with feelings of anger, reluctance, and fear when thinking about my future. For example, thinking that God will "make me" go overseas on missions where/when I don't want to. It also keeps me fearful of celebrating and looking forward to things, just in case it ends up being God's will that something happens to stop it along the way. It makes me afraid to pray "God, your will be done. Do whatever brings you glory in my life," even though I really do want to.

I've always had fear about the future, so maybe it's just my own anxiety and worries about the unknown that has shaped this view of God's will for my life. Maybe it's been shaped by hearing people saying variations of "Oooh, don't say 'never' or else God'll make you do it!" (a pet peeve of mine), or my own pessimism and fear of suffering. Maybe it's because a lot of times I've seen how I'm stubborn in my own way and God, in his grace, denies me my will to give me what is much much better. At the heart of it though, is my view of who God is and specifically, who he is toward me.

Hearing the message two Sundays ago though, the Holy Spirit revealed to me the wrong way that I had been thinking. I used to wonder- how do I look back, see God's faithfulness and goodness to me, and still be so fearful and untrusting about the future? I realized through Jeff speaking about signs, that the foundation of my faith cannot be what he's done for me apart from his death and resurrection. Plus, just because he's been gracious, good, and gentle to me in my past life circumstances doesn't guarantee anything explicitly about the future; in my mind, it can even make me more fearful, just waiting for something terrible to finally happen. What I need to trust is God and his character.

During the message, when exhorted to look to the cross, I remembered afresh the Father's love for me in giving up his Son and Jesus' love for me in coming to walk this earth, not holding onto his glory but becoming a servant to suffer and die for me. He did all this while I wanted nothing to do with him. He loves me, and I know it not just because the Bible says "God loves you" but because He demonstrated it. The love that he showed, stirs up trust in my heart- I know, like know, through the cross that his affection, intentions, and will toward me are good and loving. He is not just working towards his glory and Christlikeness in my own life, but the way he brings that about is also good and loving because that is who he is. I cannot look to the cross, and then think about God as some cold, distant being who plans my life in a mechanical and "well, it'll end up good in the end!" way. He loves me at all times, thus I trust that the ends that he plans are not just "good" in some abstract sense, but even the means ordained by him flow out of his eternal, unchanging, everlasting love. That's why I'm not afraid even though an easy life is not promised to me. That's why I will trust him even though I know there will be times things don't make sense in my eyes.

J.I. Packer defines providence as:

The unceasing activity of the Creator whereby, in overflowing bounty and goodwill, He upholds His creatures in ordered existence, guides and governs all events, circumstances, and free acts of angels and men, and directs everything to its appointed goal, for His own glory.

In overflowing bounty and goodwill. That is the way in which God ordains all things in my life. How do I know the way he looks at me and plans my life? Why do I trust him? Because...

...God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8)

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom. 8:32, 35, 37-39)

I once heard a sister overseas respond to her brother asking her "Why don't you just be a nominal Christian? Don't be so crazy about God." She had faced real physical dangers as well as social persecution for her faith, still she shone with joy and trust in him. She responded by saying "I can't. God's love has scarred my heart." My prayer is that I would be able to say the same.

How marvelous! How wonderful!

And my song shall ever be-

How marvelous! How wonderful!

Is my Savior's love for me.

Humanity- Tim Be Told

2011-04-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying this album from Tim Be Told and so wanted to share it for your listening pleasure. The lyrics are great, I love how they're real and raw. The songs are catchy too!

Give it a listen! (Humanity - Tim Be Told)

Kids' Vacation

2011-04-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

My parents arranged a two day mini-vacation in Lancaster, PA for us during Ruth's spring break. We had a really relaxing and fun time catching up and hanging out. Mostly we stayed in the resort or ate in amazing buffets! So fun! So thankful! =)

Pictures:

Ethiopian food for the first time

All-you-can eat breakfast buffet...they were all sleepy

(With sweet potato pancakes!)

Chillin' by pool digesting

Good 'N Plenty for dinner

(Amish family-style restaurant. All you can eat!)

So good!

And plenty!

("Can I have a little more of...everything?"- Ruth)

Ambition

2011-03-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm making my way through Dave Harvey's Rescuing Ambition. It's been really great at getting to the heart of ambition and make distinctions that tease apart what godly vs. selfish ambition looks like. It's been great for me in terms of how I've been wrestling with reconciling the voices that say "COME ON, DO IT FOR GOD!! DREAM BIG! GOGOGO!" with the truth that well, we don't dream dreams for God, we just live in obedience step by step...and we don't have to do something 'great' to be great in God's eyes.

I am finding that I am way more ambitious than I'd thought! God is helping me make sense of some of the things that have happened and are happening in my life by seeing his hand in placing "fences" in my way to direct my path. I see how he has been using situations to expose self and purify my ambitions and dreams. I am learning that I am called to live in the tension of having great future aspirations for God's glory with contentment in the now, and that to do so I must find my satisfaction in him alone.

I highly recommend the book! =)

Some good quotes (bolding added):

God loves us so much he'll intentionally fence us in to keep us on his road. This can be hard, I know. It's never easy to stare at a fence suddenly blocking the path we want to take. But God fences our roads to keep us moving in his direction...We find no peace in life until we're convinced our path is his way and our place is his choice. This is so worth repeating: your place is his choice. Fences and all. (78-79)

Contentment means being satisfied and at peace with God's will in all situations. It's a state of the soul where your desires conform to wherever you find yourself...Since Paul's ambitions were not selfish, he could live with them unfulfilled. Sure, he had dreams and desires- but they were God-focused, not Paul-focused. If they remained unsatisfied, that was God's business. So Paul was able to aspire for more while resting peacefully in what God' provided. He hungered for more but was happy with less. Deferred dreams didn't eat away at him. Paul could be at peace in the present without abandoning hopes for the future. (123)

And here's a quick video from Crossway on Vimeo. Dave Harvey: "Why is ambition important?"

Wrath

2011-03-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

From Tim Keller's The Reason For God:

The Bible says that God’s wrath flows from his love and delight in his creation. He is angry at evil and injustice because it is destroying its peace and integrity. ‘The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made… The Lord watches over those who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy’ (Psalms 145.17-20).

It is at this point that many people complain that those who believe in a God of judgment will not approach enemies with a desire to reconcile with them. If you believe in a God who smites evildoers, you may think it perfectly justified to do some of the smiting yourself. Yale theologian Miroslav Volf, a Croatian who has seen the violence in the Balkans, does not see the doctrine of God’s judgment that way. He writes: ‘If God were not angry at injustice and deception and did not make a final end to violence — that God would not be worthy of worship… The only means of prohibiting all recourse to violence by ourselves is to insist that violence is legitimate only when it comes from God… My thesis that the practice of non-violence requires a belief in divine vengeance will be unpopular with many… in the West. … [But] it takes the quiet of a suburban home for the birth of the thesis that human non-violence [results from the belief in] God’s refusal to judge. In a sun-scorched land, soaked in the blood of the innocent, it will invariably die … [with] other pleasant captivities of the liberal mind.

Jeff spoke this past Sunday on Matthew 11:20-30, about the wrath of God. It has stirred something in my heart and I feel like I am coming to become deeply moved by this attribute of God and realizing how foundational it is, though I am still working through it in my heart. Still, it is bringing me to a deeper worship for the cross and what Christ bore for us.

I have always been naturally a non-confrontational person. I have been sinned against, but, as of now, not so deeply as others in my life and in the world have experienced. People have been generally "nice" to me in my life, and this has been part of what's allowed me to fight to keep my own sheltered, optimistic, and naive view of the world and of people. Not only that, but despite what I believed about the depravity of man, I strove to hang on to an, in practice, "people aren't that bad" point of view. I didn't want to hear about what others saw as wrong or anything that would damage my view of people that I respected or liked. I wouldn't get angry about sin I saw, and not only that, I thought that I was spiritual, humble, and forgiving because of it.

In many ways my views have been shaped by the culture around me. My refusal to see the full depth of the sinfulness of sin has been encouraged by the importance placed in our culture to not be judgmental or, in Christian culture, to forgive quickly. Personally, that has affected the way I've dealt with forgiving people in my life and recently I have learned that only in admitting to being sinned against and not in making excuses for others do we actually start to feel what it costs to forgive. But more than that, I have realized how much culture has shaped my view of God and how I've talked and thought about him.

Looking back, I believe that I have subtly been influenced by reading/hearing from people who also don't understand the anger, wrath, and justice of God. Things like, "Why can't God just forgive?" (without the cross), even to the extent that there are those who would claim that the doctrine of substitution, if true, is "divine child abuse". The culture around us talks about God's anger and wrath as primitive, unloving, etc., putting those who claim to believe in the Bible on the defensive. I have heard and used ways Christians have tried to deal with it, but mostly in embarrassed or apologetic manner. Often the response would be briefly mentioning and explanation of God's holiness, but then quickly moving towards "but he's also loving!" or "hell is just separation from God because you don't want God so he won't make you be with him!" or "heaven is perfect so you can't go if you have sin because then you'd sin against others", etc- all answers that never really got to the heart of how to think about God's anger or punishment.

In recent years though, as I have allowed myself to be brought to those places of rightful anger and in seeing the depths of the effects of sin, I have come to take solace in thinking about God's wrath and justice. I am seeing that I cannot trust a God would claim to love what is good without hating what is evil. There are things that I think about that have been done towards those I love and know that make me so angry and sick to my stomach, that honestly in my heart I have wanted to see the wrongdoers suffer and/or die. I never thought that Romans 12:19 would mean so much personally to me, that I would be taking heart in the fact that vengeance is God's and that he will repay.

In Death by Love, Mark Driscoll counseled a man filled with anger and bitterness towards his father who had been a violent, abusive, drunk whose whole family lived broken lives as a result. The man struggled to know what to do when way later in life his father accepted Christ. Pastor Mark exhorted him in letting him know that in forgiving, it was not letting his dad "of the hook", but that "the demands of justice have been met for both you and your dad...Jesus has propitiated the sins of you both." People who have abused and hurt people I know will turn to Jesus and be forgiven, the justice they deserve having been poured out on Jesus already- or they will face the consequences of their sin when they see God after they die. The same is true for myself. Either way, justice will be carried forth, sin brought to light, and the punishment for it dealt.

Jeff's message's main thrust was that we cannot understand the love of God without understanding his wrath. When thinking about those I know who have been deeply wronged, or wrestling with how to think about the nauseating things I've been hearing in class at Westminster about the nature and consequences of child sexual abuse, I am seeing how the only way to make sense of the world and sin is within the Biblical worldview. More specifically, it only comes to make sense at the cross. Nowhere else has the sinfulness of sin been shown to be as horrifying as it really is. There we see the depth of justice and rightful, righteous anger towards sin that isn't just "let off the hook". And there our minds are blown away- it just doesn't make sense... that a righteous, holy, God, the only one who does not deserve wrath, would suffer for us. Not only that, but that he would lovingly pursue those who would reject the cross as unnecessary and seek to deny him.

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

Romans 11:33

Broken Promise?

2011-02-18T09:48:00.000-08:00

I was afraid about entering into a certain season of life and ministry, fearful of the difficulties that seemed to lie ahead, but was comforted when I prayed and was reminded of Matthew 11:25-30. These verses promised Jesus' rest, and in his self-description of being gentle and lowly, I was challenged to trust that God wouldn't be reckless with my own heart. I stepped forward in hope and trust, believing that God would be gentle with me and grant me his rest.

Fast forward a year, and I found myself exhausted, confused, and angry. "God, I thought you promised! God where is that rest that you promised?!" My heart felt crushed by the weight of all that I had to do, burdened by guilt and hopelessness, wondering "what happened?" It was the first time in my life that I felt like God's promise hadn't pulled through. Even now, it is a season that though had its share of blessings, I wouldn't desire to live through again. "Kind of like middle school" is how Jeff aptly describes it.

Today, God reminded me of this promise in his word as I reflected on that season of life and the good that he had brought about. Through that year (and afterwards too), God was humbling me. He allowed me to be crushed under the weight of my legalistic standards and service to him, he showed me the limits of my own understanding and strength to serve him and love people, and he revealed to me just how incapable I am of following him with my own strength. I walked away with a keen sense of my own powerlessness as a servant and even believer of Christ- I couldn't put my hand on the plow and not look back, I couldn't go "all in", I couldn't do everything that I knew was right to do. And I am so thankful to have felt that way.

If I had walked away "victorious" in my own eyes, feeling that "rest" that I had hoped for, I would have seen myself become more prideful, less compassionate towards suffering brothers and sisters in Christ, and with a misplaced faith in self. When everything felt pulled out under my feet, I saw that in the final measure of things, I will not be found with a faith that came from myself, but that God is the one that keeps me walking with him; that is a deep conviction that I have had since and shared with others to encourage them to hope in God. In short, in all that God did and allowed to happen during that season, I was stripped of trust in self and the law, and slowly brought to deeper hope and faith in God and the Gospel alone.

I had thought that the rest promised in Matthew 11:25-28 was the kind of physical, emotional, spiritual rest in a "not feeling tired way", and though God does grant that kind of strength, that is not the most important kind. Unbeknownst to me, Jesus was fulfilling the promise of rest in my life. This promise was the promise a supernatural, final rest founded on his gospel grace. In Matthew, he was calling people to give up the yoke of the law, to enter into the rest that is given freely in accepting the grace and life that flows through the Gospel. This rest is experienced in part on this earth as Christians, and fully when we enter into the eternal Sabbath that God entered to after Creation (Heb. 4). He was and is calling us to cease from striving with human strength to fulfill a human understanding of how we get to God, and to cling onto a faith that knows that our hope is not in our own ability to trust, follow, or love God, but in God and God alone. In this knowledge, I walk with him, learning from him, finding rest for my soul.

The precious words of Jesus:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:25-30

Anxiety Wants To Be God

2011-01-26T10:47:00.000-08:00

Anxiety is one of my biggest struggles.

I didn't used to think so, but reflecting back in my life, fear and anxiety have been constant themes. Most of the time, they manifest in physical symptoms. I used to get stomachaches all the time when I was in elementary school (usually Sunday nights before the school week started)- I learned in a psych class in college that stomach aches are a sign of anxiety in children. Since high school, I've broken out in hives in response to anxiety that I may or may not know that I have. I had an almost painful feeling of heaviness on my chest and shoulders for almost a year in LA and when I was struggling with the major decision about whether or not to stay, for weeks I'd wake up in the middle of the night with hives all over. Now, since around my first midterms or finals week at Westminster 2 years ago, my stomach has gotten into the habit of forming a tight knot whenever I'm anxious. It may be something big, or I may just be rushing to finish cooking dinner on time, and this knot will grab my stomach and not let go until I stop doing whatever I'm doing.

Since getting married, there's been more for me to be anxious about. First, there's all that Jeff has to do. He's much busier than I am during this season of life, and he doesn't get anxious like me, so I get anxious for him. There's also constantly more to think about in terms of what's next in life. There's always something bad that can happen or something we hope for that may not happen.

Remembering to praise God or just reflecting that he is in control usually helps, but rather than stop and meditate on the truth, I normally try to plug through and finish whatever I'm doing, with the knot in my stomach intensifying as I go. I'm asking God to get to the root of these anxious thoughts. I know vaguely that they are founded upon what I value, possible idolatry, lack of trust in God's character, superstitious fear, and not taking time to just sit and remember God.

I read a quote a few days ago that convicted me from Paul Miller's A Praying Life (Good book! I recommend it!)

Anxiety wants to be God but lacks God's wisdom, power, or knowledge. A godlike stance without godlike character and ability is pure tension. Because anxiety is self on its own, it tries to get control. It is unable to relax in the face of chaos. Once one problem is solved, the next in line steps up. The new one looms so large, we forget the last deliverance.

A godlike stance without God's character and ability. So true. My anxiety believes that I need to possess the wisdom, power, and knowledge of God in order to rest. If I just knew what was going to happen, then I wouldn't be anxious. If I could make something happen or prevent something from happening, then I wouldn't be scared. If I had all the wisdom in the world, then I could make the best choice and not be worried about what to do. I need this wisdom, power and knowledge to shape things my way, the best way! But these are lies. I need to remember that God is God, that I'm not, and that that's how it is supposed to be. That as a creature, I'm in constant need of my Creator and that I don't have to live autonomously and independent from him, but am made to be completely dependent upon his wisdom, power, and knowledge. All things are to work together for his glory, not my desires and comfort. I need to trust in not only his power and wisdom, but his love and goodness. This eternal wisdom, power, goodness, sovereignty and loving care is evident in him caring for birds, lilies, and grass of the field and made manifest most evidently in the cross of Jesus Christ.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32)

It is astonishing that I would entrust my eternal destination and soul to God, and still be afraid about life here which will pass by like the blink-of-an-eye. God has done so much, and my faith is still so weak. Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust him more.

Hope for 2011

2011-01-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

Here's what I'm praying for myself this year: John 15.

To abide in him

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. (v4)

I am made to be communing with God, having his words in my heart and praying continually to him, abiding in his love and in obedience.

I am so tempted to abide in other things. Something that Jeff said recently was that it's good to be bored sometimes. It's true- with high speed internet connected to the computer 24/7, it's so easy for me to fill every minute of my mind with something. Sometimes, by God's grace, the internet is "slow" loading the page I'm surfing onto and in those 10 seconds I realize that I don't really care that much about what I'm about to read. It's been a blessing just to unplug, and be still so that my soul has a chance to turn toward what I really desire.

I am tempted to try to bear fruit apart from him...which is not the way I want to go, especially since Jesus says that apart from him I can't bear fruit or do anything! Still, I try to obey, have the right attitude, pray, read the Bible, do the right thing, with my own strength. Then I end up tired, angry, and bitter. How freeing to know that God has already flat out said "you can't do it on your own!" and not only that, but that he is the God who helps. He is the one that grants me a desire for him and to seek him and I'm so thankful that in his grace, he has been rekindling in me that desire.

I want to abide in his word. There are times when, honestly, I'm scared to pray for him to speak to me. It's not so much because I'm afraid of what he will ask of me, as much as it is that I am afraid of being drawn into living under guilt, accusations from the enemy, slight misinterpretations of what he wants because of not understanding the way God speaks. Praise the Lord though, for his perfect word! I don't need to wait for random feelings of conviction or fear false accusations because his word is that perfect mirror that I go to. I don't have to fear having wild, idle thoughts about who God is that come from my own mind because his word has revealed who he is and how I am to relate to him!

I want to speak to him. Prayer helps me remember that all that I'm reading and learning is not just true, but that I am drawing closer to God. I have a tendency to really get passionate about things that are true, speaking against what is false or wrong, but more than that I want to know him who is Truth.

... & bear fruit

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (v5)

Jesus makes it clear that those who abide will bear fruit. His disciples will bear fruit. I'm thankful because when I read this, I don't feel a crushing burden of needing to work for my own righteousness. I have felt that so often, wanting to just push off all standards and demands for outward signs of discipleship because I've been tired of hearing things that I should do while feeling like I have no power to do them. I've been tired from what one of my profs at WTS put as, hearing (and also speaking) the words of the law without receiving (or offering) the water of the Gospel of grace. At the same time, it would be unfaithful to Scripture to say that producing fruit in my life doesn't matter.

It's so freeing and beautiful the way that Jesus puts it, the order of fruit bearing and abiding. I don't bear fruit so that he will keep me with him. Rather, because of his finished work and his sovereign grace, I can abide in him! He is my source of life, righteousness, hope, joy, and love, and in this relationship, I will bear fruit.

... to his glory.

By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. (v8)

Ever since my Doctrine of the Church prof challenged the way and reason we pray- do we ask because it will bring God glory?, I've been asking God to help me to lift up my eyes to him and grant me the desire for him to glorify himself in the things I pray for and to grant me a heart for his glory.

I was thankful, thus, today for John Piper's sermon Our Deepest Prayer- Hallowed Be Your Name. So many parts were powerful, but my soul was awakened by the truth that God is in the simple and the spectacular: He is in HEAVEN and he is our Father. We pray that his kingdom COME! and for daily bread. As a campus staff worker in LA, I often lost sight of the latter, earth-bound parts of life that God works in. I had a dualistic mindset on what was for effective for the kingdom vs. what was in the world. As a wife now and since learning what it means to be faithful in daily things, my tendency is to get caught up in only the earth-bound things and forget the glorious call to God. I want all, including everyday things, to be taken up in the prayer for him to glorify himself in my life, family, and world.

God, help me live with and for you each day this year- by your grace, resources, and for your glory.

Background

2010-10-18T11:37:00.001-07:00

I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control, and then I sank
So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes
All these folks who follow me, goin' end up in the wrong place
So just let me shadow you, just let me trace your lines...

- Background, Lecrae

Pastor Jae gave a message yesterday about John the Baptist, how he paved the way for Jesus in his heart and through his ministry. It was a sobering reminder that if we make paths towards ourselves and for our own glory, everything is meaningless. The life of John the Baptist and his declaration that he must decrease and Jesus must increase challenges me to examine my life. What is the direction of my relationships with people? What about my prayers? My Doctrine of the Church prof talked two weeks ago about how he sometimes challenges people when they pray. "Why? Why should we pray for healing?" Is it for God's glory?

Desiring to have the roads to Zion paved in my heart (Ps. 84). Asking the Holy Spirit to examine, reveal, and by his grace redirect.

Wedding

2010-10-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things I've been thinking about and learning that I want to blog about, but I feel as if I need to write something about the wedding first. But, I'm not sure what to write! Not that there aren't many blessings from the day, but I'm not sure what to say/write about it. Maybe if I had specific questions to answer/write about?

Though much of it was a blur, it was a beautiful day for us. God answered our prayers for what we hoped the day would be, and people afterwards affirmed us in terms of God granting the desire of our hearts for it to be a time of worship and thanksgiving. It also was a wonderfully humbling time in terms of seeing the way in which the communities we've been a part of gave of themselves so lavishly to us. I'm thankful because in our desiring to be wise stewards of money, we were forced to rely on other people. More than saving money, experiencing grace through the body of believers was so meaningful to us in the end.

The highlight for both of us was the worship in music. That, and the speeches at the rehearsal dinner and family dinner banquet. Jeff has known for years that he wanted to ask Eugene (his old youth pastor) to lead at his wedding and during the planning process I was looking forward to the music so much! Not only did we have amazing musicians but praise through music is a huge part of our (Jeff & myself) lives. Our moms walked down to Come & Listen by David Crowder (which is the one song I absolutely knew I wanted at the wedding) and the lyrics basically sum up what we hoped our wedding would be- a praise to God and celebration of his faithfulness in our lives up until our wedding day as we look forward to what is to come. The lyrics are drawn from Psalm 66:16:

Come and listen, all you who fear God;

let me tell you what he has done for me. (NIV)

Here are the lyrics (kinda shortened cause it repeats a lot):

Come and listen, come to the water's edge,

All you who know and fear the Lord.

Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you

Who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.

He has done for you,

He has done for us.

Come and listen, come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.

I'm not sure how much more I'll write about the wedding day, but you can read about it on my brother's blog from his perspective! (CLICK HERE!) He's a better writer than I am anyways. =)

2 highlights for me:

One of my favorite pictures

Jeff surprised me!

Passion & Purity

2010-07-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

"Purity means freedom from contamination, from anything that would spoil the taste of the pleasure, reduce the power, or in any way adulterate what the thing was meant to be."
- Elisabeth Elliot

Passion & Purity is one of my favorite books ever. I love Elisabeth Elliot's books and Passion and Purity in particular has been used by God to speak to me in key times of my life. (Elisabeth Elliot was the wife of Jim Elliot- the missionary who was killed by the people he was trying to reach before they even could really talk to them. Elisabeth Elliot and others ended up ministering to that tribe later on where many became Christians, including those who had attacked the missionaries. She's one of my heroes!) For those who haven't heard of it or read it, it's basically Elisabeth and Jim Elliot's love story (an amazing one!) and contains a lot of godly wisdom about the process of waiting on God, particularly in the area of relationships.

It helped me during the season of waiting in singleness and gave me practical advice on what to do with the deep longings and desires of my heart, but not in a way that stifled those desires in an unhealthy manner. Rather than saying things like "dating/sex/etc. is bad! so don't do it!", she helped me to see God's perspective on intimacy, love, loneliness, and marriage. Things that she wrote in it spoke to other areas of my life as well, like when I was uncertain about my future and needed to learn to trust God to be my good shepherd. The book contains letters from Jim Elliot- a hero in the faith and an example of being all out for God- where he honestly expressed his desire for Elisabeth while wrestling with God's call and will. His expressions of commitment to God and passion for her were timely for me to read at a time when I had started to wonder if my desire for a relationship/marriage meant that I lacked a desire to do God's work wholeheartedly, and it helped to seeing that both could not only coexist but were meant to be mutually beneficial.

The world is constantly telling people that they are missing out on the best that life can offer if they choose to do things God's way. The thing that makes me sad is that as Christians, we so misunderstand/misrepresent God's heart for us that we either 1) believe the world and do what they do or 2) obey out of fear/guilt by our own power while believing the world in our hearts. That's why I'm so so thankful for godly people and resources in churches that have an amazingly refreshing Biblical perspective on purity, relationships, and marriage. One person shared with me before that in their struggle in purity, what helped was hearing God's perspective on intimacy- and not just in a "no!" kind of way. The Biblical understanding of God's design displaced the way the world had portrayed it and took from the luster of sin.

I've been feeling so thankful lately to have a man who I know fights for my purity and honors me deeply. It's not that I deserve it and I'm a naturally "pure person". God has shown me so much grace and forgiveness to cover over me in the ways I have compromised in the past and part of that grace has been extended through Jeff. But in our relationship I am seeing experientially not only that passion and purity can go hand in hand but how they must, and how wonderful it is to know I am honored and desired at the same time. Some of you know the boundaries that we have set in our dating relationship, and now, a few weeks from our wedding, I thank God that we have them. Rather than making me feel stifled by legalism, those boundaries have affirmed me and allowed me to experience the truth that to walk in God's ways means true liberty and joy. God is so good to us.

Just a few...

2010-07-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Yulee! =)

Books, Sermons, and Such

2010-07-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

Less than 4 weeks until the wedding! Jeff is coming back soon (a little more than a week) from leading a team overseas and I'm excited!

I just wanted to share some resources that have been of help to me regarding dating, relationships, preparing for marriage etc. Most of them were recommended to me by other people at one time or another and I've also referred other people to them. So, here goes!

Singleness & Dating

Passion & Purity- Elisabeth Elliot: My favorite book!
Mars Hill sermon on dating & courtship: I was especially convicted in the last part where Pastor Mark lists questions for what to consider when we're thinking about dating someone. The part that hit me before I started dating Jeff was when he asked "Is this someone who you'd want your daughter to marry and your sons to be like?"

Marriage

When Sinners Say I Do - Dave Harvey: Gospel-centered living in the context of a relationship. It's good even not in the framework of marriage
Each For The Other- Bryan Chapell: It's really focused on God's design for marriage and especially the different roles of the wife and husband.
This Momentary Marriage- John Piper & Sacred Marriage- Gary Thomas: Both give a bigger and biblical perspective on the purpose of marriage.
Christ-centered Relationships- Francis Chan (parts 1, 2, 3)
Cultivating a Healthy Marriage- Tim & Kathy Keller

Other related

Let Me Be A Woman- Elisabeth Elliot: Letters from Elisabeth Elliot to her daughter about Biblical womanhood. I love this book!
Mars Hill Peasant Princess sermon series: Biblical perspective on dating, marriage, sex based on Song of Solomon.

Planning update

2010-06-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

Classes have been over for three weeks now and we're trying to get as much done as possible before Jeff leaves for Taiwan & China for 6 weeks. Right after classes ended, I headed over to help out with an STP (Summer Training Program) that Jeff was heading up and it was good to get away for 2 weeks, not thinking about wedding planning and refocusing a bit.

I've already had 3 nightmares about the night/morning of the wedding! And it's all about not having logistical stuff done! In the last one, I was like..wait..what is the date? Don't I still have time? It's been difficult not to be consumed in my mind about logistics and to-do's, even if there's not that much to do. I was convicted yesterday that just because we're trying to wise about how we budget doesn't mean that I am not becoming self-centered and missing the point in this process. I even feel this sense of entitlement- like because I'm planning for "my" wedding, I have the right to be selfish, demanding, and unloving.

Please pray for me!

STP blessings

2010-06-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some blessings I want to share about my time at a Summer Training Program. It's not all of them, but some!

Exhortation

"Therefore, do not throw away your confidence which was great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised."
Heb 10:35-36

For one of the Bible studies, we did a study on Hebrews. We did research on the background, outlined the book, and answered questions about it. In two of my classes at WTS, we'd actually covered a good chunk of Hebrews which also helped deepen my understanding of the book and prep me to hear from God through it.

The writer of Hebrews is writing to group of believers who are in danger of apostasy. They are wondering if they should continue on in their faith in Christ and whether because of sin, doubt, and some persecution (though not yet martyrdom), there is a possibility that they may turn away from Christ and fall away. They've all had real experiences with Christ, and even suffered for their faith already (confiscated property, etc.) but have need of endurance. The author writes eloquently and persuasively about the Person and work of Jesus and the superiority of the new covenant and Jesus' ministry as our great high priest who gave himself for us. Throughout the book there are "therefores" and exhortations to grow in maturity, consider God's discipline as part of being his children, and to press on, hold fast the confession of faith, consider Jesus, look to Jesus. There's this struggle of, why keep going? why keep following? And to this, God speaks powerfully.

One thing I've been struggling with is trusting God again wholeheartedly. In the past, my steps of obedience, though difficult, seemed to lead to immediate fruit and "success". But now, struggling about a season of my life that yes, God did use, but at the same time left me deeply struggling and hurting, in my heart I've felt a strong resistance to the idea of radical obedience to Christ. As I read through Hebrews, I felt like my heart was being strengthened . The continual exhortations to look to Jesus, the one who was made perfect in suffering and whose life I am identified with, the reminder that my hope is not placed in human explanations of "why" and visible fruit, but anchored in eternity, and the encouragement that I am not "of those who shrink back" but "of those" whose lives of faith are listed in Hebrews 11, have lifted my soul and encouraged me to move on toward maturity.

Healing
With that in my heart, God also spoke to me through a message on Isaiah 6 that Jeff decided to give last minute, led by the Holy Spirit. He spoke about Isaiah's vision of God on his throne, and about how though God told him that his calling and ministry would be one of destruction to a people who wouldn't listen, he was able to keep going because of that vision. The vision of our Holy God and his call will keep us walking with him when things get tough, not "success". It's about the one who called us, not the impact we see of that calling.

After that we had a prayer time, and the Holy Spirit softened my heart and I found myself crying out to God. I got to the heart of the struggle in my heart about that difficult season of life which was "God, I feel like you left me at the time" and "God, didn't you know how much I could take?" As I wrestled with those things, Jeff prayed over me and gently reminded me of God's truth- that he never left or forsook me. And since being back, God reminded me that Jesus was truly forsaken so that though we may feel like we are forsaken, we never really are.

Helping
I love being a helper and supporter to Jeff! It's encouraging and affirming to see how God has made us differently so that together we can love him and others in ways that alone we may not be able to. Things that he does naturally, I would get a nervous stomachache if I had to do. I love how he is a servant-leader and I enjoy hearing him share from God's Word. He's an example to me in a lot of ways, and through my struggling and then hearing from his heart about tough topics, I've grown in respect for him even in these 2 weeks. It's also fun to be able to spend time together. =)

Laughter
I had a wonderful group of girls and I can't remember the last time I was surrounded by so much laughter and that I laughed so much. It was healing to be in God's presence and in his presence to experience joy. It was good for my heart, especially since I've been lacking in fellowship. I'm so thankful for the gift of laughter.

Wedding Planning Blessings

2010-05-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

The semester is ending in both Queens College and my distance-learning class at Westminster, so I've been pretty much taking care of school work and wedding planning. I keep thinking that I want to update this and I've said that I would (s'lo!) but I just haven't gotten around to it. We're in the double-digit mark (95 days!) and I just wanted to take some time to share some blessings.

1. BRBs. "Big Red" Bridesmaids, haha. Ruth made up the name. (the points on our meal plans at Cornell were called BRBs- Big Red Bucks. Haha.) In the midst of planning, school work, and just being in a funky season where I don't really feel particularly plugged in anywhere, God has used these ladies to remind me that I'm not alone. It's not the little details that they've called about that really matter that much to me, but through their calls, prayers, and concern, God has reminded me that he hasn't forgotten about me. We conference called last week and they prayed over the phone for me, I was so blessed. I'm so thankful for them!

2. Asking for help. I tend to get stubborn and picky even though I like to think that I'm trying to keep things simple. That, and I overestimate what I'm able to do. Jeff kept on telling me that I should ask for help with the invitations, but I kept saying "Oh no, it's ok." In the end, I was like, "AGH! I should've asked for help!" and other people were saying "You should've asked me!" I'm thankful that I had my mom help me with stamping, sealing, and just sitting by me. It makes time go by so much more quickly and there really is a better return for the labor of two! (Eccl. 4:9)

Yes, I am being humbled. My mom said that was one of the biggest blessings during their wedding day. They didn't have a lot, but the brothers and sisters helped them and it was amazing! This one guy made this really beautiful ginormous sign with their names that went against the wall- it looked so pro. Mom's rebuked me saying "You can't do everything by yourself!!" and since then there have been so many people God has providentially brought over to help and bless us. One of the ladies in church is helping me make my veil, Jeff's sister-in-law just told us she'd be willing to be our day-of wedding coordinator, and so many people have offered to help. It's more than just about getting things done or having nice things or saving money, it's so sweet just to be able to experience the grace of God through the people around us.

3. Some words that have touched me. It's been such a blessing to receive words of encouragement and wisdom from other sisters who've just been married. It is refreshing to have them speak to me from their experiences and from the truth. Their perspective is helpful in how they encourage me to rest in God's grace in it all.

"But just as I tried in my last e-mail to encourage you to remain, stay, and abide with Jesus in the period of waiting to be engaged, now Faith, remain, stay and abide with Jesus through the planning of this wedding. When you walk down that isle towards Jeff, the husband, the Christ figure in the picture, you will feel radiant, not only on the outside, but on the inside knowing that His blood has truly made you that pure, spotless bride."

"Let the joy that overflows from your heart be your offering. On your wedding day, let your love be on display for the world to see, and let them wonder at how two sinners could be given enough grace to love each other so - for that, they will give glory to God."

Thank you, sisters.

4. Witnesses. Besides the fact that we're making this promise before God by his grace, one of the most important things to me and Jeff during for our wedding is that we're making these promises in front of witnesses. There are so many people who have been such a huge part of our lives all the season until now, and it's been a blessing to remember and get in contact with everyone again. In the seasons of our lives up until now, different communities of people have been used by God in incredibly formative ways for us. It brings me to tears to think about how each person there has been used in my life or in the life of my future husband by God to make us who we are today. I'm so thankful that they're not just going to be witnesses of our wedding, but have been witnesses of God's hand in our lives and will continue to be some of those who will be our lifelong journey-mates in him. We can't have everyone there who we'd like to have, but even that is a testament of abundant grace.

5. The fact that God cares. One of the things that really touched me during one of our pre-marital counseling sessions as Pastor Jae shared about God's plan for marriage was the fact that God cares. He cares about our lives. That's so incredibly amazing to me, that when there are so many other things that seem important in the world, he gives thoughts to our ways. He cares about this little wedding between these two little people. He cares about our relationship with each other. He cares about our hearts and the things that we need. He's been providing for each little detail, even when I'm in freak-out mode, and not just barely giving us what we need but in abundance. In this process, my own daddy has been an amazing reminder to me of God's desire to give and bless. God provided- the beautiful chapel we get to use at the seminary, the place we'll be staying after we get married, etc. He gives much more than I have enough faith to ask for.

6. Jeff! Oh! Yes, I should include this part too. I'm thankful that God's brought us to where we are now and brought this man into my life. It really doesn't seem that long ago that I was wrestling with "am I going to be single foreverrrrrr?" and it's easy to forget to thank God that the fact that I'm stressing out about wedding planning means..that I'm getting married!

Picture: Jeff has 8 fingers up for August. I'm supposed to be 2-1. I think I was all like "you're doing it wrong!" Yeah...

Because I Don't Want To Be A Bridezilla

2010-04-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my last post about the stress I've been experiencing in wedding planning. These last few days have been much better (ptL!), but I had started to get super overwhelmed. There seemed to be endless details that needed to be taken care of, and though I would think "well, once I figure this out, I can take a break and not stress," I realized that just cleared the way for the next task. It was hard to think about other things (woke up thinking about planning), I had trouble sleeping and I was getting impatient with people. The monster in me was coming out.

I could talk about how "people spend more time planning for their wedding than their marriage" like I've read in books or heard people say. But my problem, I feel, is knowing how to do all the wedding planning keeping Christ as the center. It's not like I can ignore everything that I have to plan or put it aside as not as worth my time and I don't think it's just a matter of "caring too much". I could easily swing to the extreme of "just do whateverrr, it's just a day," but I want to bring everything, including all the logistics and heart prep for the wedding/marriage, under the reign of God as part of my spiritual act of worship.

I've been wondering things like...How do I budget in a way that is Christ-honoring? How do I prioritize in a way that is in love to God and people? How do I make decisions in the freedom of Christ? How do I plan in trust? How do I seek God in all this? How do I keep the wedding in perspective of eternity and at the same time believe that God cares about this part of my life too?

I figure then as I go through this process, it'll give me something to blog about! I think it'll help me to stop and process to write out what I'm learning. So, I guess I'll do some updates in the future about what God is teaching me in all the wedding planning craziness, how I'm being challenged, how we're experiencing his grace, etc. Yay! Even writing this has made me more excited about the ways I can grow during this planning process and I feel like it's already made this stretch of time (engagement) more meaningful than just prepping for "the big day." Sweet!

Joy

2010-03-21T09:04:00.001-07:00

Because your steadfast love is better than life,my lips will praise you. - Psalm 63:3

Being engaged has been amazing and at the same time a little difficult. If you ask whether or not I'm scared, I can confidently say that I'm not scared about marrying Jeff. I love this man of God, he loves me more than I could've asked for, and we trust not in our love for each other but in the God and Gospel that have brought us thus far. On the other hand, the logistics of wedding planning though have been kind of looming over me, along with the refining that comes with learning to trust God with every single detail. Looming over and overwhelming me to the point of not being able to sleep at all a couple of days ago.

I wanted to take some time though to share how has been speaking to me. God really moved me today during worship at SICCC; he filled my heart with joy and anticipation of his return and the wedding of all weddings- when his Church is presented a perfect, spotless bride to Christ.

On the way back from at Cornell after Jeff proposed, one thought that came in my mind was how thankful I am that we have Jesus. Not just because he's given us each other as we've followed him or because we don't have fear about the future through him, but because he is our greatest joy. I wasn't just saying it because I believed it in my head, and I didn't think this as I've thought in the past- in a guilty, "well, God is what i SHOULD be excited about, so I need to be less excited about other things." I felt sooo much joy about this new step in our lives. But when I thought about the fact that, without Jesus, the happiness of getting engaged would be one of the deepest joys I'd ever feel... I felt sad for those who have never experienced joy in God. Don't get me wrong, this will rank up there in terms of happy days in my life, a tremendous undeserved blessing from God, but in terms of sheer magnitude, honestly, it can't even begin to compare to the deep joy that Jeff and I have experienced in knowing Jesus Christ. That amazes me.

Jeff prayed last night about hope and this sense of anticipation we have. It's a prequel to and reflection of our heart's deepest yearning and anticipation to see Jesus. It's amazing that in this time that I thought I'd be temped to be more excited about something tangible than what is eternal, life's joys actually are being used by God to increase my experiential knowledge of his goodness. And having been gifted that foundation of deep joy in the unchanging and eternal God, I feel that we are actually more free to enjoy the gifts that come from our perfect Giver and the Lover of our souls. Our wedding day may never come- Jesus could come or one of us could go to meet Jesus before then, but we have a sure and solid hope in Christ. The deep and sure hope we have in him has to be there in order for us to enjoy these smaller hopes. We feel sure of this not because we're super "spiritual", holy or anything like that. That's just how good, infinitely sweet, and 100% certain God's steadfast love and promises are.

Oh, to continue to taste it more deeply and continually invite others to do so as well.

•••

It is of the essence of faith to crave assurance; hence it cannot come to rest until it has cast its anchor into the eternal. And heaven above all else partakes of the character of eternity. It is the realm of the unchangeable. In this lower world, time with its law of attrition is king. Nothing can escape his inexorable rule. What is must cease to be, what appears must vanish, what is built must be broken down, even though the human heart should cherish it more than its own life. And this applies not merely to objects of natural affection; it involves also much that is of transitory purpose in the service and church of God…There is neither quietness nor repose for the believer’s heart except on the bosom of eternity. - Geerhardus Vos

Engagement Story

2010-03-15T08:13:00.000-07:00

(Written by Jeff)

After getting Dr. and Mrs. Chan’s approval, we went up to Cornell for the weekend. Faith seemed to wonder why we were going, and afterward she told me she suspected something but didn’t want to get her hopes up. We arrived pretty late Friday Night and met again Saturday Afternoon. After having some lunch with her brother Caleb and sister Ruth, Faith decided to go and watch her siblings rehearse for an outreach event their fellowship was having. Meanwhile I scouted out the location that I had intended and found out that we could only get into the Engineering building with a key card. Slightly panicked, I picked up an ID card from one of my friends, who was an old USC alum.

Picking her up from the student center, I asked if she wanted to go for a walk and she said yes. I had expressed earlier that I’d like to see the West side of the campus which was in the opposite direction we were walking in, so she was confused about where we were going and asked a few times whether or not I wanted to go the other way. As we were walking, I said “hey, let’s go here!” The building had the very nerdy name of “Theoretical and Applied Mechanics”. We went into the building and looked around and eventually made our way to the basement level and Kimball B-11, which was the old room where my college fellowship used to meet. It was also the same room we met in almost 7 years ago.

There I asked her if she remembered this place and we sat and she said, “God was so faithful to us over the years.” To which I told her, “Speaking of which, I have a gift for you!” I whipped out a scrapbook of photos from all the significant locations we had been to over the years and we looked for about 20 minutes at the photos and reminisced. And then I asked her to marry me. And she said yes!

Funny moments along the way:

The night I got permission from her parents she saw that I was hiding something.
She asked several times why are we going to Cornell, to which I could not give a straight answer.
The botched attempts to page her father so that he would call her at just the right moment.
Walking toward the building, Thurston Hall- Theoretical and Applied Mechanics.
The morning at Cornell she poked my front jacket pocket which contained the ring.

Rediscover you

2010-03-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

I'm enjoying this song right now.

This Song Gives Me The Chills

2010-02-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

Listen to the lyrics

It's For Sinners

2010-02-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

¹ "Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
² Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
³Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Isaiah 55:1-3

Something that really touched my heart a few weeks ago during worship at church was that every one of us singing is a redeemed sinner. That every one of us was praising to the God who saved us while we were still ungodly. It hit me that as much as I'm excited about going to heaven and meeting other Christians who've come before me (my great-grandparents, the Apostle Paul, famous missionaries etc.) and as much as they deserve honor and respect for the lives they lived, ultimately we will all be praising the God who saved us not because of anything of worth in us, but because of his amazing grace.

Last Sunday, I went up to Cornell on Saturday with my mom to bring stuff up to Caleb and Ruth. We had planned to leave for NYC on Sunday morning right after dropping them off at church. When we made a last minute decision to stay for Sunday service in Ithaca, I was kind of upset. I had planned in my mind already to get home, take a nap, and then get ready for service at night. I hadn't expected this morning service, I didn't feel prepared for it, and I was looking forward to not going to 2 services this Sunday (as I have been recently).

My heart's been struggling and hardening in terms of church recently, and as I sat through service in Ithaca, I was thinking about asking my mom for the keys and going to sit in the car and clear my head/pray on my own. Even through the message, my heart felt hard and I was thinking about whether there are any options of taking a break from church, whether there is a Biblical basis for Sunday worship, etc. It totally was not the pastor's fault and in reflecting on his message, I was really blessed afterward. The message was God-centered vs. Self-centered worship (fitting eh?), and preached with much grace and truth. When I saw that we were going to have communion too, I was just thinking about how much longer that would make the service. Obviously, my heart was not in the right place.

When it came time for communion, knowing my hard and un-worshipful heart, I thought about passing the bread and cup. I was sitting next to my mom and Caleb so I knew they'd notice, but I decided that didn't matter because I didn't have the right heart. Then I thought, "well, I guess everyone will know that I'm messed up." At that moment, I think the Holy Spirit stirred up my heart to think, "Wait..that's what we declare every time we take communion. That's what everyone who's taking the bread and cup is saying. 'I'm messed up..and that's why I need Jesus.'" My heart was hard and sinful, that's why I needed even more the cross of Jesus for my forgiveness and righteousness.

In one service during communion, instead of having the congregation confess sins as the bread and cup was passed, the pastor said that we'd already had a time of confession in service and so exhorted us to instead spend our time thanking God for the cross of Christ. I forget sometimes after having taken communion so long that what gets me ready for receiving is not my list of how repentant I am or how holy I feel, but that it's an act of faith that Jesus Christ died for me while I was still a wretched sinner. It's not about summoning emotional feelings of guilt (not that deep, heartfelt repentance isn't needed, but my focus isn't on my emotions). It's humbly declaring that I need Jesus' blood to wash me. This service in Ithaca, I wasn't weeping and it didn't feel dramatic, but as I held onto the bread, I felt like I was clinging to the cross and the Gospel of Jesus Christ in a deeper way than ever before.

I remembered a story that I heard about a Scottish (?) preacher who was serving communion. There was a weeping woman there who refused to take it, to which he replied "Take it Lassie, it's for sinners." That's what I need to remember. Every time I'm taking communion. Every time I'm listening to a message and feel the pressure of not living up to the standards of his Word. My first response isn't meant to be "Ok. I'll change." But, that every surfaced sin and way I fall short is pointed out to bring me to Jesus Christ. The One who lived out perfectly and resisted the temptation that I caved in to. The One to died for me because of that sin. And the One whose resurrection means that I now have power by the Holy Spirit to change.

Thankful for my professor's paraphrase of Isaiah 55 that I quoted a while ago here:

"Thirsty? Come. Come, and don’t bring anything. Don’t bring the laundry list of your contrition. Come, and your soul will be satisfied with the richest of fare."- Prof. Ed Welch

Free Audiobook! (For February)

2010-02-04T14:18:00.000-08:00

Mark Driscoll's Religion Saves: And Nine Other Misconceptions

Get it here before the end of February: http://christianaudio.com/free

Give it a listen and let me know what you think! =)
I've been tremendously blessed by Pastor Mark's sermons, blog, and books (I've read Death By Love and Radical Reformission).

Darkness

2010-01-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

My spirit is broken; my days are extinct;
the graveyard is ready for me.
Job 17:1

So, one reason why I'd been hesitant to keep up with my Bible-reading plan last week and the week before that was that I'm going through Job and I honestly didn't really know how to read through it. Between the introduction to Job's situation and God showing up at the end, there's a whole lot of dialogue that I've been grappling to be able to understand rightly. I do believe that it's all God's perfect word, so the struggle is not as to whether or not it's accurate or trustworthy, but rather wondering how God intends for it to minister to his people. The confusing part for me is that Job is righteous but at the same time at the end he gets rebuked by God for his attitude in the things he ends up saying. That, and Job's friends (the "miserable comforters") are clearly off. They say things that may seem (or be) true, but in their counsel as a whole, they are totally wrong about Job, God, and the nature of suffering.

I was also getting kind of depressed reading it. (This also kind of happened to me while I was reading Ecclesiastes this time through.) Because I'm following the Bible-reading plan, I'm being forced to go through it a little at a time, not just kind of skim over the parts that are sad/depressing to the happy/resolved parts of the books. I'm still in the middle of Job, but in it God's giving me a deeper perspective this reading through. I've been really blessed by the example of this godly, righteous, God-seeker in the midst of terrible suffering.

I'm seeing that...

1. The Bible understands the falleness of this world, and its effects, like no other book.

Scripture acknowledges the "valley of the shadow of death" that a follower of God can go through in a way that I don't think you can find in any other place. It's not an nihilistic, "this is all pointless" worldview that actually ends up undermining the reality of the pain we go through (if everything is meaningless, isn't pain? Why do we even care if bad things happen? Why does it hurt so much and why do we feel so deeply like we're being torn apart, like "It shouldn't be like this"?) And it's not saying that people always suffer as punishment because of what they've done (where Job's friends have it wrong). Nor does it tell us to deny pain or merely gloss over it.

In Scripture, there is not only an explanation for the suffering in this world and an ultimate promise for a solution, but it's so real. We actually see suffering and pain first-hand. Job is from the onset presented as a righteous, blameless man. He responds in worship to God and acknowledges God the whole time (he's turning to God in prayer during most of it), but I mean, Job curses the day he was born, says that it would have been better for him to be a stillborn child and hopes for death. And it's not just one verse or one chapter, or an acknowledgment of "Job suffered," it's a huge bulk of the book's 42 chapters and in powerfully raw poetry.

2. There really is no hope apart from God. I'm reading a chapter a day and I'm really looking forward to the end. It's kind of what happened to me when I was recently reading through Ecclesiastes (and like I said before, getting depressed) where I felt like all I may hope or find meaning in was being stripped from my heart as I read Solomon's words. As I read Job and it's so dark, the light of Christ is becoming ever clearer and more precious to me.

3. We may never know the "why." Job never does.

4. I need to pray that I would not be one of the "miserable comforters" like Job's friends.

•••

Here's a good article on suffering from The Village Church: Seven Thoughts On Suffering

Soul Soothing

2010-01-13T23:57:00.000-08:00

Clean- Shane & Shane

This is one of my all-time favorite albums. I love Shane and Shane's music because it's so filled with God's word and because their albums are themed. This album is grace-themed. It's like balm for the heart seeking to be freed from burdensome works-drivenness for God-centered worship.

Wise Words

2010-01-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

From a sister on the field in Africa:

"...you will not derail your effectiveness in world missions based on a degree or a career move... The more important piece is the rationale behind the decisions the two of you make. Why you do what you do and with what heart you do it is probably more important than what you do or how you do it. Not that the what and the how are not important. But until you are totally convinced that God is utterly pleased with you whether you live in America or Asia or have 6 degrees or 2, you’ll always be struggling to do something more, to justify your existence."

Thank You Jesus for those that are walking ahead of me.

Say Your Name

2009-12-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

In the past, the different aspects of life have been relatively segregated from each other. Since God really took a hold of my heart in college, it's been relatively easy to pinpoint whether or not time was being delegated to things that were "spiritual" or not. QTs, fellowship, meet ups, prayer meetings- God's time. Living with believers, having few responsibilities (school was the only one), etc...made that most of my time. Then it was ministry for 2 years, where my family life and relationships on the East Coast were put on hold for a bit. And even after being back, spring semester of last year I was staying full-time near WTS for classes in seminary.

This season of life, particularly this last semester, has been for me a lot about learning what it means to worship like Paul talks about in Romans 12:1. I'd been learning about not dividing the "spiritual" from "non-spiritual" things in Scripture and in my Biblical worldview, and when all the parts of my life started to merged in a more "real life" kind of way (apart from the not working part), I started to ask God to teach me how to offer up my life as a spiritual act of worship. Being a full-time student at Queens College (and commuting weekly), living as a daughter at home on the weekends, traveling once a week to WTS, serving at the Flushing church on Sundays, growing as a girlfriend, teaching at Urban Impact, and still desiring to maintain God-given relationships, I guess it's a delayed coming-out-of-the-bubble effect that people talk about when graduating college.

It's been hard not using the measures I used in the past to judge how much or well I'm serving now. Even at the end of this past semester, I started to doubt and wonder, "Have I been using my time well?" I always thought that the "popping the bubble" effect had to do more with relationships with brothers and sisters becoming less time-intensive due to not being on campus and because work-life takes so much time and energy. I also kind of saw it as a bad thing. I'm seeing now it has more to do with growing and learning to be a worshiper in a new season of life.

Recently, I've wanting to know what it means to be a worshipper of God in a dating relationship, and thinking about what it means to one day (God-willing) be a worshipper of God as a wife. It will look (and even now seems to be looking) different than what things looked like before.. in terms of time, in terms of having more on my heart and mind that doesn't seem to be directly God or ministry-related, in terms of my affections and devotion. I'm starting to think about the whole "undivided devotion" Paul talks about in 1 Cor. 7. In many ways, it seemed simple to think about what it meant to offer this part of my heart to God when I wasn't dating. It was a struggle, but it was simple: offer up my desires to God, trust him in his timing, don't think about it yet because it's not time! Now it's not the same...it wouldn't be loving toward Jeff or God for me to say that the only way I'm worshiping God white dating would be to deny care and affection in a relationship. I'm called to love God more and more, but that's not by loving others less. So what does it mean??

I'm not really sure. Praying about it, hoping to learn from others (any recommended resources?)...but I've been blessed by Bethany Dillon's "Say Your Name" (from this album), which she wrote in the midst of this struggle in marriage life and just life in general. I really like the part in the chorus where she says:

This breath, that comes from you, helps me say your name.

I'm glad I don't have to walk around in fear of living in this season of life, because I do believe everything in my life now has been placed by God. And I'm reminded that it's the Lord that has helped and given me breath to worship him up til now...and he's the one who will continue to help me say his name.

---
This is where Bethany Dillon shares about it! Thanks, baby!

Book list for break

2009-12-28T22:06:00.001-08:00

The Bible
(Click to make your own reading plan)

The Four Loves - C.S. Lewis

The Knowledge of the Holy - A. W. Tozer

Running Scared- Ed Welsh (see video below)

P.S. You all should order books here! --> WTS bookstore One of my favorite places and it really is like really low prices because they see it as a ministry rather than a business.

My only consolation is this

2009-12-26T19:42:00.000-08:00

¹⁵Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

1 Timothy 1:15-16

Wedding

2009-12-26T10:58:00.001-08:00

Come and hear, all you who fear God,and I will tell what he has done for my soul.
Psalm 66:16

Last Saturday, I got the privilege to witness and be a part of the wedding of the (now) Fujiwaras! =) I've been looking forward to this time for a long long time... and cried like a bajillion times during the whole day (and even before- I teared up at the bridal shower, picking up janice's dress, rehearsal, etc.)

It was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to. Not just because of how absolutely radiant Janice looked, the pretty decorations, or an awesome banquet hall...but because through the whole thing, I felt God's presence. It was like a culmination of all the times of prayer, struggling with God, wondering, surrendering, hurting... and ultimately the redemptive grace throughout that I've been able to witness while walking with Janice through the last 6 years. Seeing God bring salvation to Janice and later to Harry after they'd already been together for a while, crying and praying together as we both wrestled to surrender relationships to God... and years later witnessing how God in his sovereignty saved Harry, restored their relationship, gave them both a heart to serve and live for him, and graced to them infinitely more than they had ever had in the first place- a relationship with Jesus Christ and then, secondarily, to each other. Wow.

Their wedding was an amazing proclamation of the Gospel- both in word (they wanted it shared clearly) and deed (testimony of their lives). It was only one of the beginning steps in their lives together, but what a comfort to know that the God who has carried them will be with them to the end... and what a joy to know that they know their relationship is an amazing gift of God's grace, and still only secondary to their eternal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Praise God. He alone does great things.

My Favorite Christmas Song

2009-12-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

I don't like a lot of Christmas songs. I actually avoid stores and radio around this time because listening to some of these songs makes my stomach feel nervous and sometimes irk me. (Especially the new pop-y ones that feel so empty and meaningless.)

But this one is my favorite because it talks about the hope in Christ's coming, the beauty of his birth, the price it cost for all the joy we now have, and ultimately the great love of the One who would give so much. Plus, the melody is pretty.

Welcome To Our World- Chris Rice
Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God
You've been promised, we've been waiting
Welcome Holy Child
Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don't mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long-awaited Holy Stranger
Make Yourself at home
Please make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven's silence
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect Son of God
Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world

Things that make me tear up (in a good way)

2009-12-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

Reminders of God's grace in my life..

Listening to little children (especially children's choirs) sing to Jesus... Something about their childlike faith and how I know God is pleased to receive the offering of ones such as these always move me.

Talking and hearing the testimonies of elderly followers of Jesus...
Seeing years of faithfulness and a deep trust and joy in God. I wanna be like them. This past thanksgiving an elderly Chinese man at church shared about how he thought his wife was going to die when she passed out in their home, and about how his prayer was "God, receive my wife's spirit. May your will be done." (She woke up and is better now, I think.) That was moving. And also talking to people who've just faithfully followed Jesus, you can just feel the sense of peace and joy they have that's not naive, but are like a diamond forged by going through the darkest times in life.

When my brother and sister share about what God's doing in their lives...

Singing songs or hearing someone share about heaven...

Eternity

God-ward

2009-11-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 26:36

I used to use my own inward desires as a gauge of my heart for God. Either that, or I measured it by my outward compliance to doing what was "right". I'm learning now though that there is no "inward" vs. "outward" obedience in Scripture (when there is a separation, it isn't true obedience). Rather, we are called to move God-ward, given the power to so because we've been given new hearts.

I'm seeing now how the God of the Bible is so different than what I've made him out to be and that he desires so much more than our feelings of satisfaction or our "ok FINE I'll do it." I used to think that not having the "heart" (defined by myself as passionate feelings) for God meant that I still hadn't loved God enough. Then I thought that meant until I did have the "right heart", I still had to do what was right just because it was right regardless of how I felt. I blamed my lack of desire to obey on my quiet times, not really having the right heart, sin, etc. Now I'm seeing how in these thoughts, I've missed the relational aspect of faith. Faith isn't some abstract concept, like some kind of idea we're tested on or an ambiguous, semi-measurable quality. It's, in essence, a looking to God.

I'm seeing now the beauty in a heart of faith that, coming honestly before God's throne of grace, chooses by grace to trust. This heart, in the midst of doubt and in the humble acknowledgment of the impossibility of forging our own obedience, is the regenerate heart- one that's not attained by our own achievement, merit, religiosity, or desire, but that is gifted to us. There must truly be some utterly life transforming force that enables a person to not say with popular culture, "I'll just do what I feel like" nor with religion, "I'll just do it because of principle." Only a new, living heart can pray "I have tasted, I know that my God is good. And now it's so hard, it hurts so much, my heart cannot obey. Oh God I need you. Oh God help me to trust you... From my gut and the very core of my being and all that's left of me, I choose to trust you." It's completely counterintuitive and impossible from a human perspective. It's completely life-transforming. And, I believe, it brings glory to God.

"What? You're not going to just go with what you feel like?" or "What? You're not doing this because you're inherently good, trying to make yourself a better person, or just because you feel guilty?"
No.
"Then why?..."
See, I'm a wreck. But God- he's given me a new heart.
"Really?..."
Yeah, it's crazy huh? But it's true.
"Wow. God must be amazing."
Yeah...tell me about it.

That would be awesome.

Trophies & Plaques

2009-10-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

Took this picture inside a fort in Fort Wadsworth, Staten Island. Don't remember the story, think they were just moving out of the fort..a..long time ago and so they took the hanging stuff down.

Thought it was a good reminder. This'll happen to ours too, but they won't be moving with us.

Piety

2009-10-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

I call "piety" that reverence joined with love of God which the knowledge of his benefits induces. For until men recognize that they owe everything to God, that they are nourished by his fatherly care, that he is the Author of their every good, that they should seek nothing beyond him- they will never yield him willing service. Nay, unless they establish their complete happiness in him, they will never give themselves truly and sincerely to him.

- John Calvin

Not Withholding

2009-09-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

This summer I realized that I really am passive-aggressive.

I've been told this before and agreed, but didn't see it clearly in myself nor recognize it as wrong until I was teaching English in Xiamen. The kids were being rowdy already and I'd been losing my voice trying to speak over them, they were being reluctant about signing up for Olympic games, and we had just one more spot to fill that no one would sign up for. On top of this, I had to stand in front of the door so they wouldn't leave because they were complaining about getting out to lunch. Finally, I said "Ok, fine. We'll just have one person play this game. Go to lunch." I walked out to door feeling annoyed, but not that angry.

Even as the rest of the team confessed to having a hard morning and being angry with the kids, I didn't feel like I was mad until I passed by two of my students in the hallway. I responded to their "HIII MISSS FAAAIIITHHHH" with a "hello" and just totally walked past them. I wasn't going to shout at them. But I wouldn't keep loving them- I withheld because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. It freaked me out because I realized how sinful it was and how damaging it could be to those around me and destructive to my relationships. I don't want to make people feel like they have to earn my affection and approval. I don't want people to have to guess about how I'm doing, trying to figure out how I feel because I'm upset and I'm giving them the cold shoulder. I'm still learning about this, I close up to others and my heart shuts when I'm angry/ frustrated...But I'm learning to repent, talk it out, asking God to change me.

I'm thankful though, that God isn't like me.

For reasons beyond me (and totally about him) my life seems to show that God is committed to blessing me. Not necessarily by giving me what I want all the time. But that's the amazing thing. He's committed to blessing me with what is best, even though I complain against his way and his will. In my flesh, I even wanted to cancel the Olympics "You guys don't want to play these games? Fine! You miss out!" But God is so different. I question him in anger sometimes, with the ignorant and ungrateful audacity to say things like "Why do I always have to do what I don't want to do?" which implies "Why do you make me do this??" I am ungrateful for his leading. I have been in the past, and I'm struggling even with it now.

God is perfect in all his ways. He is loving and merciful. He is righteous and holy, deserving of my joyful obedience. And yet, even when I drag my feet with the wrong attitude, acting as if I'm doing God a favor by obeying him, questioning if he is good and if his ways are really best/worth it...he continues to shower me with grace upon grace. He continues to bear with me as he leads me down his path and his purpose until I finally am silenced because I really see that his way has been better all along. God is committed to me in a way that I have only started to comprehend.

If we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2:13

Really now, who is like our God?

Excited and a bit scared

2009-06-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

Leaving in 24 hours for Taiwan then China for the next 5 weeks. We'll be teaching English and working with local believers. Please keep us in your prayers! And let me know if you want in on e-mail updates by shooting me an email or leaving a comment.

Take care yall! =)

love,
Faith

First Love

2009-06-14T12:35:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, we drove up to Cornell to bring Caleb up for summer session. I've been in Ithaca several times since coming back to NY, but the other times were either rushed or filled with seeing people...and it was colder. This time though, per Jeff's suggestion, got to take some time at night to walk around campus and look up. "Why do you thing God brought you here to Cornell?" The first thing thing I could think of was "To change my life." That was like the play-button or something because then started the reel...

All these memories replayed in my mind, showing me how faithful God has been and how real he felt to me then. I started remembering all these prayers I'd lifted up to God, times of frustration and questioning, times of rejoicing, major decisions I made, breakthroughs of surrender in my life, and just a sense of the deep intimacy with God I first started to experience in college.

As I've been coming up again to new points of surrender to God regarding his will and my own, it was a blessing to remember the things that, by grace, I had already said to God during my undergrad years. That I wanted to follow him, that I wanted nothing else than to know him, that my life was not my own...and to remember the context in which I prayed those things- in the transforming love of Christ and in a response of joyful gratitude.

Often it's felt like so much has changed since then and many times in the last few years, I've wondered "what happened?" Sure, I was immature in my zeal and did a lot of things in pride during that time, but at least I was excited, passionate, and felt close to God. What happened to that love? Why have things started to feel like drudgery?

I believe that part of it is God maturing me in my faith- what happens when I don't feel it? That he doesn't feel as near? That I'm not excited? It doesn't mean that I'm losing my faith, on the contrary, those are times that faith is refined. Still, up at Cornell again I didn't want to move...I missed that freshness in my walk with God and that closeness. In that, God gave me Hebrews 13:8...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

Thankful to remember that Jesus Christ is the same today. That the same God who I was getting to know in college and changed my life, continues to be the One who walks with me faithfully today.

Hound of Heaven

2009-05-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

(Excerpt from Francis Thompson's poem The Hound of Heaven)

...Now of that long pursuit,; Comes at hand the bruit;; That Voice is round me like a bursting sea:; "And is thy Earth so marred,; Shattered in shard on shard?; Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest Me.; Strange, piteous, futile thing;
Wherefore should any set thee love apart?
Seeing none but I makes much of naught" (He said),
"And human love needs human meriting;: How hast thou merited --
Of all Man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot?: Alack! Thou knowest not
How little worthy of any love thou art!
Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,: Save Me, save only Me?
All which I took from thee, I did but take,: Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms,: All which thy childs mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home --: Rise, clasp My hand, and come."
Halts by me that footfall --
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?
"Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
I am He Whom thou seekest!
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."

Love Fail

2009-05-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, butrejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I really like the ESV translation of 1 Corinthians 13 cause it just gets to me. Especially verse 5.

Today, reading this chapter for qts, I think I understood for the first time the whole of the chapter in terms of what Paul said after his definition of love (the prophecies passing away, mirror, thinking like a child part). I guess I always read that separately. But it hit me how yeah..all the things that Paul talks about being nothing without love (faith, knowledge, prophesy, outward sacrifice) are all things that will..pass away. When we see Jesus face to face, we're not going to need faith. No one's going to know more than anyone else. Even gifts of the Spirit like prophecy will not be needed- we'll hear from God himself! Even the stuff we've done, we'll see how it's not like it was "needed" by God. And it hit me that when I stand before God, what'll matter to the utmost then is: Have I loved God? Have I loved people?

How fitting for me to read that passage today since God is currently revealing to me through relationships with friends and family the extent to which I am failing to love. I could go on a whole list of how I've failed at loving by what I've done or didn't do, but that's not necessary here. It's not that I feel like a worthless person or I'm wallowing in guilt right now (which is a praise)- it's not about feeling bad about myself..plus that doesn't help me love more. It changes my perspective though, particularly as I consider God's leading for my life, thinking about what's eternal (not even ministry is eternal). It's also a sobering truth of how much I have yet to grow and how it's going to take a lifetime to learn to love. My consolation is that I have the most patient and greatest Teacher in the world for this...1 Jn 4.

Canon

2009-04-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

“[T]he New Testament as a collection has a curiously informal and almost casual sort of history. The book that was destined to remain the sacred book for millions of Christians for century upon century came into the church without fanfare, in a quiet, shuffling sort of way. Its history is not at all what we should expect the history of a sacred book to be. The story of the Book of Mormon is a good example of how man thinks a sacred book should come to man—miraculously, guaranteed by its miraculousness. The canon is a miracle indeed, but a miracle of another sort, a miracle like the incarnation of our Lord, a miracle in servant’s form. Only a God who is really Lord of all history could risk bringing His written word into history in the way the New Testament was actually brought in.”

Martin Franzmann, The Word of the Lord Grows

Thrilling

2009-04-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

(from this desiringGod article: The Free Will of the Wind )

"We don't control the Wind of God's Spirit. He gives the new birth as he pleases. His will is decisive, not ours. For sure, our will moves when we receive the new birth—it moves toward the crucified Christ. But the decisive Mover is the Spirit. He gets the credit for our new birth.

The free will of the Wind is threatening to those who would be captain of their own souls. But to those who know they are desperate, dead in sin, and utterly unable to save themselves, this truth can be thrilling."

Good news

2009-04-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

I’m thankful that God brings glory to himself by changing me. This past Good Friday and Easter, it hit me that Jesus before he died said it is finished. And that he died as the only person who has and will ever have lived the perfect life. That means I won’t be bringing glory to God by being perfect.

I'm thankful that Paul said to Timothy (1 Tim. 4:15): "Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress ." That being a Christian is not about making myself a shining trophy on a shelf or my being a perfect snapshot of an amazingly obedient daughter of God right now. Being who I'm supposed to be in and of itself isn't what brings glory to God. God makes me a display of his splendor because the salvation being worked out of me is his handiwork through and through.

I'm thankful for my prof who prayed before our midterm genuinely that we would do well, and how at that moment the Holy Spirit touched my heart and I just really believed that God also desires that I do well (not just in my test).

I'm thankful that God reminded me through a classmate here that God saves us not because he needs us to serve him, but so that we can be his children.

I'm thankful that God saves those who can do nothing for him. What can 1 lost sheep be worth to a shepherd with 99 others? This weekend, a 11-year old girl spoke words of life to me. She'd never heard of the Bible and I got to share his story with her. As I fumbled through my elementary Canto in explaining the Bible, I'm thinking whether it makes sense to her and whether she'll be able to decide to pray to accept Jesus. At the end of my sharing, I asked her what she thought and she told me shyly, in Canto "Yeh Soh ho wai dai." Jesus is really great. I believe her simple declaration brought glory to God.

I'm thankful that the Gospel is really good news. Like, really, really good news.

"Thirsty? Come. Come, and don’t bring anything. Don’t bring the laundry list of your contrition. Come, and your soul will be satisfied with the richest of fare."
- Prof. Ed Welch (paraphrasing Is. 55:1)

Communities of Grace

2009-04-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
1 John 4:10-11

These verses are my favorite when thinking about the family and people of God. Probably because of all the help I have needed (and still need) to step out of performance/shame/guilt/fear-based religion, God has faithfully sent people over the years to live out the Gospel and be Christ to me. These people have given me a tiny glimpse of what the Kingdom of God looks like and what it means to be living in a community of grace.

I read this post recently about being communities of grace vs. communities of performance and started to reflect on some of my own experiences. I have been seeing since freshman year of college the healing in confessing our sins to one another and praying for one another, and that it's in the context of relationships with other sinners that we know what it is to extend and receive forgiveness. I'm also learning that it's in the context of learning to love and be loved, we begin to trust enough to be unmasked to experientially know the love of Jesus. There are a lot of individuals God has used to extend his unconditional love, acceptance, and grace and through them I've come to know more of the heart of God. I am soooo grateful for these people who have been Christ to me- and if you're reading this, you're probably one of them!

There are three memories of experiencing grace and the Gospel in community though that are seared on my heart and that I think about whenever I remember how I've experienced grace. I've been thinking them recently. And I want to share them! They are...

1. Herald Gospel Camp, Summer 2004

After a whole year of God exposing my sins and breaking me, I started feeling a lot of doubt. I couldn't understand what the doubt was from, but while I was at Citivision as a counselor for a group of girls, I realized the heart of my doubt was whether I had ever been a Christian or if I was fooling myself for the past 10 years. How could I have been such a wretched sinner and full blown hypocrite and think that I was a Christian? This shook me up and scared me soo much. My foundation was shaken and at the same time I felt too much shame and fear to share it. The last place I wanted to go to express my doubt was the church. What would people think? I was supposed to be a leader. And right now I was a counselor...at a gospel camp! It was eating away at me inside.

I loved HGC though because of the grace, love, and acceptance I knew as a counselor there. During one night, at the end of our daily counselors' debriefing, as someone was about to close up our time with prayer, I raised my hand and admitted to the doubt I had and how the sin I'd been seeing was at the root of it. I don't remember exactly what was said but I do remember one of the brothers praying that God would remind me of all he'd done in my life and that that night ended full of tears, desperate prayer, and praise. God had allowed me to go as far as I could on my own and brought me to a state of brokenness and desperation so that I would go to his people for help. God's love became so real to me there.

2. CBS Praise Team, Fall 2004

I'm pretty sure this was sophomore year. I was still going through a lot of condemnation and just feeling stuck in sin. I'd look into the mirror and hate myself, feeling like everything on the exterior was fake and half-wishing that everyone could see all the disgusting things in my heart so I wouldn't feel like such a hypocrite. That year, CBS praise team meetings were like mini-small group times. When we didn't do the book study, or maybe it was after the book studies, we'd do rounds of: "How are you doing...really?" It was here that I honestly shared with brothers and sisters for the first time how dirty I felt on the inside. Again, I don't remember exactly what happened, but I do remember a brother praying "God, show her that she's clean...like the cover of the Shane and Shane cd" (Haha, "Clean" had just come out.) So thankful for that mini-body of Christ.

3.Team KK, V-SET 2006

I was the woman's team leader and handling finances. I needed to pick up a gift for my homestay family but didn't have enough Kyrgyz money exchanged and so decided to borrow some from the team money and pay it back later. During our team meeting, I was struck with the lack of integrity in that and convicted of being irresponsible and dishonest. I knew I had to tell my team leader and was a bit angry that I didn't see it before- why didn't God convict me while I was thinking about doing it? Then I wouldn't have done it and I wouldn't have to tell him. I wrestled the whole meeting about how I'd have to fess up.

After the meeting, I went outside and admitted what I'd done to my leader. He thanked me for my honesty, forgave me, and told me that he knew that I wouldn't do the same thing again. I went back into the school, still feeling very much guilty and upset at myself, when the two sisters on my team came up to me to ask what was going on. I shared with them and cried as they prayed for me. Later, we left the school to go back to our homestays and as I was walking with two brothers, I still for whatever reason, couldn't let it go. I felt condemned (not by other people) and I admitted it to them. I told them that I felt like I let the team down and that I let God down, and made them feel really awkward because I started to tear up/wanted to cry. (I think my TP said, "No..don't cry...") As we walked, I told them how I felt guilty and one of the bros asked, "Do you believe that Jesus died for you??" I said, "Yes." "Do you believe that Jesus died for you so that you don't have to feel dirty????" In my team members' love and patience, I saw Jesus. And in being asked those two questions, I had the Gospel preached to me.

I'm still learning what it means to be living in God's love and freedom from fear. Honestly, sometimes it's hard for me to believe and to see God's love because I've never seen him and all I've known of love is from imperfect people. I mean, I know God loves me...but I don't know it at the same time. That's why I'm so thankful for the people of God. In the space that grace creates, I'm learning to rest in God's lavish love and seeing it perfected. Thanks, fam.

On Not Falling

2009-03-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like a tight-rope walker
or one of those guys who's stood on a pole on one foot with his eyes closed for 35 days
or a plastic eagle.

You know the ones I'm talking about?

I think the first one I saw was purple or maybe blue
And I thought it was the coolest thing
How it stayed on top of its own little pyramid
And how you could hook it onto your finger
Or at a table's ledge
To surprise your friends
And all your second grade buddies at the lunch table
Would stick out their burger-greased hands, wanting to hold it too.

It must get boring though, standing on your beak all day,
On a plastic triangle.
I mean, it's a better job than the shelf-mates':
The pink stegosaurus who sunbathes for hours
Just so he can glow after sunset, when everyone else is sleeping anyways
Or the kid's meal toy troll that just kind of stands there grinning with its pointy hair,
But I was speculating today about our stable friend.

And I wondered
If Mr. Balancing Eagle sometimes watches the Discovery Channel
Or maybe Planet Earth,
And then looks outside
And sighs to his dinosaur neighbor
And talks about how
He wishes he could fly.

Jesus loves me...but?

2009-03-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago a friend told me that in all her striving in church ministry, her brother called her a "functional Buddhist." It's interesting how "functional" so clearly expresses how, as believers, there's often that difference between what we believe in our minds and what we live out of our hearts. I think I might be a functional Semi-Pelagian.

Last Sunday, I went to The Journey Church where Craig Gross, the founder of xxxchurch was a guest speaker with former porn producer Donny Pauling. It was amazing hearing about their ministry to people struggling with pornography and others that worked in the sex industry. I was touched by the brokenness, love, and transformation that they testified to. Honestly though, there was a side of me as they shared about their ministry that wondered "Is that enough? It is legit to tell people, without qualifiers, 'Jesus loves you'?" I felt like I couldn't do that- walk into a porn exposition simply wanting to tell people "God loves you just as you are." It's not that I don't believe the statement that God loves unconditionally and I honestly don't believe I'm more righteous than any other person in the world. But something about going up to people and saying, without any disclaimer, "God loves you!" made (and makes) me feel uncomfortable. I think I would feel like the necessity to say "God loves you! But, you really need to know that what you're doing is wrong and you need to be willing to change." Why?

God revealed to me Monday morning though as I was lying/praying/thinking in bed that I don't believe completely that God's love is enough to transform someone's life. I can't say, without qualifiers "God loves you," to other people because I don't completely believe that for myself. At least, I don't believe it functionally. If I were to believe that he'd love me even if I went out and sinned right now and made a huge mistake or deliberately chose a wrong path, what would keep me from sinning?

I never thought that anything in Medieval Church history would be relevant to me, but as I was typing up this blog, I was reminded of these people I learned about in class called "semi-Pelagians". During the 5th-6th century, in the context of the whole free will-God's sovereignty in salvation debate, they tried to choose a middle between grace alone versus man's will alone. In this, they said that God alone initiates saving grace but that God chooses to give this grace on the basis of who he foresees will choose him. The church decided that this put too much emphasis on human decision and action and in so doing undermined the total God-initiation aspect of grace.

I totally feel them though. I feel like I often attach some sort of human action to God's grace...even if it's attaching it to something that, chronologically, occurs after this grace is extended. I feel like I need to do this so that I don't mess up or take this grace for granted. I'm learning though that the very nature of grace is that it flows unconditionally from the one extending it and in that way, lends itself to abuse. That makes me feel uncomfortable. In my heart, I feel the need start attaching disclaimers to move myself and others to do the right thing. God loves you but, you can't know this love if you don't change. God loves you, but if you don't obey that means you don't really know him. God loves you, BUT ___. God loves IF ____. It's true that no one who experiences God's love through Christ stays the same, but I feel like sometimes I say these things because of my own unbelief. In my heart I'm really saying "God loves you but I don't think that's enough to change you so I need to put these qualifiers here to make sure that you do the right thing." Problem is, once I start attaching strings it is no longer grace. It is no longer unconditional even if it sounds that way. And the very things I use to try to make myself obedient and "respond rightly" to God's love, keeps me from truly being free to enjoy the love that I need to love him back in word, deed, and heart.

Truth is, the sinful, unregenerate heart will see God's unconditional love and grace as a license to go sin. But, I need to believe that God has given me a new heart. A heart that's set free from sin and death to know and experience lavish, unconditional love. I need to believe that Christ is dwelling in me so I no longer need to be driven by fear, but that I can love God from the very depths of my being. The sinful heart needs fear and guilt to do the right thing because it is still self-centered. It needs to have some sort of reward for doing the right thing or some kind of threat that will keep it from wandering off the wrong way. The new heart that Christ has given is set free from fear from punishment and loves and obeys God because he loved first (1 John 4!)

Been touched recently by Romans 5:6

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

His forgiveness and his dying for me while I was still weak and ungodly means that yeah it's true, he lavishly and unconditionally loved me even while I was in my sin. And that means that he continues to love the same way. Even if I were to go off and denounce him and reject him now. Even if I chose the "wrong" path. Even if I didn't do ministry or love other people ever again. Man, what a completely crazy, risky, freeing, life-changing thing to believe.

Taking a risk because God did so first,
Faith

Redeeming words

2009-03-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I hear a sermon or start reading a book about particular Biblical words or ideas, I feel myself shut down. In my mind, I believe I know what the preacher or writer is going to say already and I feel like a tremendous burden or weight is being placed on me. Some of these topics include: obedience, taking up the cross, suffering/trials, cost of discipleship, holiness, righteousness, purity, missions.

It's not at all the fault of those expounding or teaching on these issues and it's interesting because these were things that I have spent a lot of time thinking, reading, or talking about in the past. I could point to my past experiences or other people that have given me the "wrong impression" about God or the Christian life, but though I'm sure that my past experiences, imperfect people, and incomplete teaching have to do with how I've come to perceive God and what it means to live for him, I cannot blame them.

There are two reasons I can think of in terms of why I feel in a way burdened when I think about the call of God to these things. The first is sin. The fact is, I don't want to go the hard, narrow way in my sinful nature. I want to do what is easy- obedience, dying to self, holiness are not easy things that gratify my flesh. The things of God go against my natural self. This is no small reason to overlook.

Other than this though, I believe that I have had a perspective on God and life not completely founded on his truth. I don't only mean mentally agreeing with true statements, but by the Spirit understanding what is true in his Word and having it take root in and shape my very soul. I believe that I've had an inaccurate view of obedience, righteousness, etc. and the solution is not for me to react by pushing away my past experiences or teaching, but to go into God's Word and pray that by His Spirit, He will give me a fuller understanding of what it means to walk His way, empowered by Him, to His praise. Though I'm tempted to do so, I don't want to live a reactionary life- responding only to what I perceive to be wrong, missing, or hurtful in others or in the church (e.g. going to the extreme of liberalism in response to legalism or vice-versa). I want to live a revolutionary one- one completely transformed by and conformed to the truth by the Spirit of God.

Thus, I'm asking God to redeem words and concepts for me that have become wrongfully burdensome in my heart by revealing to me the fullness of them as he has shown in his Word. I have long assumed that I know what God wants me to do and how he wants me to be, but now I'm seeing that I really don't live out of a true knowledge of what he requires and I am in a position where I need him to teach me what is pleasing to him.

One word I'm asking God to redefine in my heart is "righteousness." I've often thought about righteousness in these terms: not doing the sinful thing and being perfect. And it's come to carry with it a connotation of something that's mostly about myself, about being upright, having pure motives, etc. It has thus come to feel to me like something that is external and burdensome- like, to be righteous is to just feel, think, say, do the right thing.

This weekend though, God brought up Matthew 5:20-

For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

So the thing is, the true righteousness that Jesus asks for is something deeper than what I've known it to be. It's more than not thinking, wanting, doing things that'll get me in trouble with God. Even thoughts and motives are external things. So what is it truly? I'm not sure exactly- I'm waiting on the Lord to reveal and redeem, and create this true righteousness in me. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with Jesus than I've known thus far...

And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption.
1 Cor. 1:30

What We Think About God

2009-03-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

"What we think about God is not less important than what we do...
To the extent that our idea of God is unbiblical, our worship then is not acceptable."
Professor Oliphint, Doctrine of God lecture

God is so much greater, better, glorious, fully other than any human mind could ever conceive.

I remember struggling with this looming sense of doubt after a few weeks of EVing at USC. It wasn't as if there was just one issue or point that someone raised getting me to doubt my faith. But it just there. This stayed though until, I remember this clearly, the thought came to my mind as I was riding in the back of a car on Ellendale: "If I could understand and grasp everything about God, then he would no longer be God." I saw that if I "got" everything, it would mean his wisdom would be readily confined and contained to my own wisdom- making my own thoughts greater than his, and making me, functionally, God. In surrendering my own wisdom and rational thinking, I was set free to learn of him, from him, his way. I remember Min saying once, "the humble mind understands the things of God." I have been coming since that time to understand the parts of his Word that reveal the foolishness of reliance on human thought and wisdom, and recognizing that in its wisdom alone the world will never know God. I needed to surrender to the fact that God will always be a mystery to me in the sense that my finite mind can never comprehend his greatness.

This poem, The Apologist's Evening Prayer, by C.S. Lewis captures some of this well...

From all my lame defeats and oh! much more
From all the victories that I seemed to score;
From cleverness shot forth on Thy behalf
At which, while angels weep, the audience laugh;
From all my proofs of Thy divinity,
Thou, who wouldst give no sign, deliver me.

Thoughts are but coins. Let me not trust, instead
of Thee, their thin-worn image of Thy head.
From all my thoughts, even from my thoughts of Thee,
O thou fair Silence, fall, and set me free.
Lord of the narrow gate and needle's eye,
Take from me all my trumpery lest I die.

The amazing thing though is that God cares about us knowing him rightly. That is so freeing, humbling, and glorious! I am so thankful that God hasn't just left us here on our own to guess what he's like. I am now in a place that I need to, while humbly recognizing the limitations of my own knowledge, ask him to conform my thoughts of him to what he has sovereignly and lovingly chosen to reveal of himself in his Word, because to the extent that my thoughts of God are not conformed to who he says he is in the Bible, I am not truly worshiping him.

This week in ST 113, we looked at the "Names of God", focusing on God being Yahweh- "I am who I am." Prof. Oliphint expounded a bit on Psalm 50 (the cattle on a thousand hills passage). Here the Israelites were sacrificing to God, but God is rejecting their actions. In some ways, they have conformed to the worship of the nations around them, thinking that God needs their sacrifices. And so while he says that he is not rebuking them for these sacrifices, he rebukes them for thinking that he needs them. They thought that "the I Am was one like yourself." This has been a theme in my life these past few years, God breaking the idol or graven image that I may have made of him based on my own experience, culture, or thoughts.

Romans 12:2 says:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

This has become one of my greatest hopes here- that I would be transformed as God renews my mind by his living word in order that my worship to him would be holy and acceptable to him- the only True, Living, Great God.

Thank You, Jesus

2009-03-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they shall be satisfied.
Matthew 5:6

I was in Sage Chapel, early October of sophomore year, on my knees and desperate to be made clean. The Holy Spirit's spotlight seemed to be relentlessly shining on the secret parts of my life for a whole year now and I was overwhelmed by the depravity that I had not previously seen and could not hide or get rid of. As I cried out to God, I remember praying "God, I can't claim any of the beatitudes. I'm not pure in heart, I'm not meek... all I can say is that I'm hungering and thirsting." Somehow during that time of prayer, Jesus gave me faith to surrender my life to the Lordship of my Precious Savior- "God all I want is to know you. Take it all."

God reminded me of this verse a few weeks ago. I have never meditated too deeply on it, but I am now seeing what Jesus meant and how he has been and is bringing this promise to completion in my life. The Sermon on the Mount lays out God's holy standards which strip away any claims to righteousness of even the most faithful, law-abiding Pharisee. Jesus gives standards that are impossible for the fallen creature to live up to and that reveal that God judges not only every deed, but every thought and intention of the heart. Nothing is hidden from him. No one is righteous before him.

How often have I read Jesus' words as if they were just telling me this is what I am to strive for! But I really like what John Piper says about the Sermon on the Mount. He says that it "is our Doctor's medical advice, not our Employer's job description." What are the thirsty and hungry going to be filled and satisfied with? We who by grace have been shown our own depravity were going to at the end of all our futile efforts, poor and maybe despairing, finally find Jesus as our only hope. In turning to him by faith, we will see that he is the only one who is the just and the justifier of those who believe- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One who died and rose again for our sins and righteousness.

After the Sermon of the Mount, Matthew gives the account of a leper being healed by Jesus...

And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean" And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.

Herein lies our hope, that He wills, and so through and by him, we are made clean. We are filled and satisfied by his righteousness. Praise the Lord for his salvation that is foolishness to the wise, and seems weak to the strong, but which is our only hope of salvation in this life and the life to come. Thank You, Jesus.

Joni Eareckson Tada

2009-03-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

You Must Suffer

2009-02-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

What It's Really Like

2009-02-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

When we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small child going to his father and saying, "Daddy, give me sixpence to buy you a birthday present." Of course, the father does, and he is pleased with the child's present. It is all very nice and proper, but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the good on the transaction.

[C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity]

Knowledge

2009-02-24T10:04:00.001-08:00

I have been super blessed in all that I'm learning about God these days. At the same time, it's a little overwhelming- all this good stuff is swirling around me and it's impossible to process it all, journaling about it in a coherent and point-by-point way! Ah! I'm learning to trust that my Teacher is with me and walks with me through every day that I may know Him more.

In my class Doctrine of God, we've been learning about "knowledge"- how we know God. Here are some blessings and things I'm thankful for:

• That though God is transcendent, and beyond anything that I, as a creature and as a part of creation, will ever be able to comprehend. The amazing thing is that God in His transcendence would choose to reveal Himself in a way that I can understand! And that He can actually do this through His Word! How limitless and perfect His wisdom! And yet, He would choose to work within human language and history and experience to help us know Him in a way that we can understand! Wow

• That Jesus came that we may see the Father who is invisible. Awesome.

• That our knowledge of God isn't just based on propositions we've read or been told. We know God because of His presence. The Bible doesn't only tell us who God is in direct terms, we see His acts through and through as He pursues His people. For example, the Bible not only says that God is "slow to anger", but we see that also through all the prophets He continued to send to Israel! God is also present with me now. I was reminded today that, as children, we learn language or about the world not because of school, but because we are immersed in language and we experience the world around us. Going to school helps correct wrong notions we have and helps us to gain understanding. But just as we learn an innumerable number of things from the world around us- more than we could ever write down and list (what a bird sounds like, the warmth of the sun, etc.) - God teaches us who He is as we walk in His light and presence. Things that aren't easily written about and "processed" and presented. One quote that I liked from class was from Bertrand Russell, (not a Christian, but what he says here is still true):

“...When an object is in my present experience, then I am acquainted with it; it is not necessary for me to reflect upon my experience, or to observe that the object has the property of belonging to my experience, in order to be acquainted with it, but, on the contrary, the object itself is known to me without the need of any reflection on my part as to its properties or relations."

Ultimately though, thankful that I am known fully. God knows more about me than I will ever know. He knows me even better than I know how to analyze what I'm learning, how I need to be healed, how I need to change. That's why David prays that it's God who will search his heart.

What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it – the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters. This is momentous knowledge. (Packer, Knowing God, 41-42)

Isn't that amazing? God knows everything. And He knows us.

Miracle!!

2009-02-21T18:38:00.000-08:00

My grandpa just prayed the sinner's prayer tonight!!! With my dad on the phone! He's in HK right now, and has been resisting our talking about God for years and years. But a few days ago (I think) he woke up after eating some kind of herbs and couldn't see out of one eye. He prayed in Jesus' name, "Jesus, if you save me, I will believe in you".. and HE COULD SEE AGAIN! My dad talked to him tonight, and urged and urged for him to pray to accept Jesus and do so TONIGHT. He repeated the sinner's prayer after my dad two times.

Oh Lord, thank You. You are the worker of salvation and You are merciful, merciful.

Please pray that God would confirm His work of salvation through His Spirit and for the protection of the Holy Spirit. He's been in bondage by fear, especially fear of spirits that disturb his sleep and dreams, for years and years. Pray that he would know that Jesus is different than the false idols, and that He doesn't just answer prayers but transforms lives. Please please pray!!

Cravings: Deep calls out to deep

2009-02-21T15:06:00.000-08:00

Many of you know how hesitant I've been about starting school again. But after 2.5 weeks of classes, I am so thankful that God knows me and gives what I need, abundantly more than I could have known to ask for.

I feel as if my soul has been craving something these past few years. This isn't to brush aside or minimize what God was doing in past seasons of my life, but I had a sense that I was missing out on the fullness of life that God has extended in Christ. The only way I know how to describe it is what I felt in Kyrgyzstan after having stomach problems for weeks. My body felt like it wasn't getting nourished by anything I ate (food passed right through my system) and I was craving vegetables/fruit containing vitamins not in our diet. Similarly, I've had a vague sense of a deeper spiritual need, but I didn't know why I felt this way or what I needed. The difference between this and being in Kyrgyzstan is that I wasn't missing out on what I'd previously had, but felt that I needed more.

I wasn't constantly aware of this "spiritual deficiency", but in retrospect, I see different longings of my soul for more in my relationship with Christ. A few "symptoms" of this hunger were (and in many ways still are):

1. Lack of joy in service. I know in my mind and heart that God deserves my worship and service. I believe whole-heartedly that there really is nothing better than to follow Jesus. And I understand that following this path isn't the easy way nor is it always "fun". There's a death of self involved in living for Christ, and there are seasons where service will seem to be a natural overflow and other seasons where we're in the desert and ministering in faith. But here's where I'm thankful for the witness of older brothers and sisters in Christ. I look at the lives of those faithfully serving God or read from the lives of those that have gone before (like the Apostle Paul or missionaries), and there is a joy there deeper than anything I've seen yet in my life. Part of this is the way that they've endured suffering, I'm sure of it. But while their lives are full of trials and denying self, that doesn't seem to be the main theme I see exuding from their service to God. There's something deeper that has been or is compelling them, much much deeper and more powerful than a sense of owing something to God (something John Piper calls the debtor's ethic). I see their lives and think "I want that." Not that I want it to be easier to follow God, but I can't help but think that the worship worthy of my God is not service that is begrudgingly given and the solution isn't just to willfully change how I think. Not only is duty and guilt-driven service not what He desires, it will not be enough to sustain a life-time of living for Him. I knew He could compel me to much greater than that, but how?

2. Not growing in treasuring the death and resurrection of Christ. I remember thinking, in the midst of a time where I was constantly sharing the Gospel message, "I wish I could have the Gospel preached to me." It was strange, because I didn't know why I wanted that..but at the same time I knew that what I wanted wasn't for someone to share a tract with me. I felt like though I was constantly talking about Jesus' death, why we needed it, etc. and wanting others to hear and accept it, I wasn't growing in my appreciation and understanding of Calvary. I felt I was always drawing from a past experience of the Gospel in my life, but didn't know how to go deeper. Was I just hard-hearted? Did I just need to spend more time thinking about Jesus' death and resurrection? Was I just supposed to think more about physical suffering of Christ in the way "Passion of the Christ" depicted it in order for me to be moved? What was it??

3. Guilt-drivenness and legalism vs. Gospel freedom for God's glory. This is tied to the first thing, but guilt, shame, legalism are some of the largest recurring themes of my walk with God. I've done the "heart-diagram" (identifying "root lies" in life and the truth that will change wrong behavior) multiple times in the past few years for training programs and such, and I used to think the solution for these things was replacing lies about not being good enough with the truth of God's love. In some ways this was true, but was the solution for these things just to think about His love or focus on personal healing? Was my problem really only that I focused too much on God's requirements and personal holiness?

A subset of this would be a limited perspective regarding God's will. I had perceptions about His will that led me to always be fearful about making choices, "missing" God's will, and about "disappointing God"? Why did He keep sending "random" people (e.g. a stranger at a bookstore) to speak about this fear lodged in my heart?

4. Dryness in reading or hearing from God's Word. It seemed as if whenever I went to His Word, I would only pick up something I already knew I needed to change or something that I knew I was supposed to do. Not that it was the Holy Spirit continually speaking to me about something I refused to or needed to hear, but I felt like all I could see were these things. By the end, I kept coming to God's Word with an expectancy to be exhorted to do more of what I already knew should be done and nothing more. I remember actually thinking that I couldn't get any more out of the Bible than what I had already heard or learned, and thinking "I wish there were more books in that Bible I haven't read so I can get something new and fresh." Could I have mined and exhausted all riches of God from Scripture? Of course not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm yelling this is my mind now.) But that's how I felt.

In these past few months and especially these past two weeks, I have begun to see that these (and other) issues were not just surface level things that I needed to solve intellectually. I needed breakthrough. My soul was longing for something more solid- for food from His Word to nourish my soul and truth to set me free. Multiple times already since starting school, I've sat in class and just praised God in my heart. "Lord You knew. Thank you so so so much." And I want to write here, as I process, how God has opening my spiritual eyes to the riches of His Word.

Through this, God has been enlightening my heart to see more of who He is and I want to share how He is transforming me in regard to the things I've written about above...and so so so much more. Those symptoms were just little glimpses of the longings of my heart- a calling from the depth of my soul to His deep.

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.
Psalm 42:7

Theology and Worship

2009-02-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

All wrong thoughts of God, whether of Father, Son, or Spirit, must cast a shadow over the soul that entertains them. In some cases the shadow may not be so deep and cold as in others; but never can it be a trifle. And it is this that furnishes the proper answer to the flippant question so often asked: Does it really matter what a man believes? All defective views of God's character tell upon the life of the soul and the peace of the conscience. We must think right thoughts of God if we would worship him as he desires to be worshiped, if we would live the life he wishes us to live, and enjoy the peace which he has provided for us.

- Horatius Bonar

Nyquil

2009-02-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

I don't like taking medicine much and usually resist taking it for as long as possible. I don't know when or why I started to do that. It's probably because of pride. I remember a brother getting mad at me VSET 05 when I was coughing and he tried to tell me to gargle with Listerine to kill bacteria in my throat. I said something like "No I don't need it! God's going to heal me!" He was being a pharmacist, and I was being stubborn.

I just started school this week and I'm already coughing. Since I started feeling the symptoms creep up a few days ago, I've asked God to heal me and, in frustration, asked "Why am I sick?? I'm just starting school and I can't concentrate!" A few minutes ago though, as I was lying in bed and coughing/praying, God gave me grace to ask "What do you want me to learn?" The Holy Spirit spoke something to my heart like "To teach you to humbly take medicine." I got up, turned on the light, opened the package of Tylenol Cold that Jeff had bought me (I planned on taking it some time later), and took some meds.

On a bigger scale than taking care of my physical body, this is what God's doing in me. Teaching me to humbly receive His medicine for my soul. I'm not involved much in ministry right now, and I was wondering if it's wrong to feel that I don't have the strength or capacity to serve at this moment. I realized though that I don't feel like I am able to serve right now because there isn't something else that God is calling me to do. He gives special grace for each day and season.He supplies for what He calls me to and not more. When the time comes and He calls, He will also grant grace for me to obey and continue to follow.

I once heard, "You can't give what you don't have. You can't have what you haven't received." Right now, I'm in a season where my soul is in need of refreshing and feeding from Him. He is giving me a chance to come before Him to learn to humbly receive so that I will be able to give not what is of me, but what flows from Him- to His glory.

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow.
(Desert Song - Hillsong)

New Season, New Journey!

2009-02-03T06:58:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting right now in a room on an estate in Glenside, PA that is a complete answer to prayer - and more! Housing was a HUGE concern for me when I decided to come, but God provided me with better than I could've thought to ask! I'm living with other Westminster students in an big, old house that I got hooked up with through some girls in the admissions office. I feel like I'm living in a house that I've read about in books or something. The owner is a furniture maker who takes care of this house and the other buildings on 7 acres of land. It's really pretty out here and really quiet too...quieter than any place I've been in for a looong time. I can't even hear cars! It's like a little haven away from the world and I'm just really thankful. =)

I had orientation today and a bit of time to pray and journal in my little refuge (that's what I'm calling the reading room attached to my room). I'm really excited about why God's brought me here and though I'm a little intimidated about getting back into the swing of school, I'm looking forward to starting classes! I'm getting a "Certificate in Christian Studies". That basically means I need to take 25 credits and, besides two class requirements, I get to take whatever classes I want! In the last few months He's given me some hopes for my two semesters here and I'm thankful that I can choose classes according to these faith goals and not following a curriculum.

I haven't gotten to share with too many people why I decided to come and what I'm hoping for for in the next year. Seminary has always been on the back of my mind as an option since I felt God calling me to "full-time" ministry freshman year, but I think in the years after graduation, I kept on pushing it further into the distant future. I started having a prideful view towards seminary and had two main doubts/fears about going. I'm really thankful that He called me in baby steps, and even though I can't completely comprehend His plans, in the past few months He's confirmed my steps and has dealt with the concerns I had. Here's what they were and what my hopes are now...

1. I saw seminary as an academic place where people have a lot of head knowledge, but don't grow spiritually. I understand that it is a danger in seminary to get lost in the academics, but when I went to Gordon Conwell to visit during their Discover Week, God revealed my sinful pride and showed me how many people teach in/go to seminary..and love Jesus! I also started to see how what I think about God and how I interpret Scripture shapes in a very real way everything else I do. The Holy Spirit has been revealing misconceptions I've had about God and what it means to follow Him, and I'm realizing that in order to experience transformation, there is a fundamental change in my theology that needs to take place. A professor in Gordon really cut to the heart of it when he said that Scripture is primarily theology- it is God's self-revelation to us. I saw that in studying Scripture and rushing to practical applications, much of my life I've seen God's Word as not primarily about Himself, but about ME and how I should live. But I need to know Him before I can honor Him rightly.

I believe that God wants me here because I am called to worship Him in spirit AND in truth and I'm praying that in knowing Him more as who He truly is as revealed in the Scriptures (not just in my own experiences or church tradition and human philosophy), I would come to love Jesus more than the first day I began here.

2. Why stay in a place where there are other Christians when there are people dying around the world? I didn't see what the benefit was to going to school when I already know more about the Gospel and God's Word than much of the world. There's so much that "needs to be done" and I felt guilt I felt in terms of not being "out there" when I've already seen some of the needs. Through talking to different people in ministry/missions and through some personal experiences, God has been showing me about how foundational solid Biblical training is for a sustained ministry in the future- especially on the missions field.

Through Perspectives and the session on Acts 15 and through learning from others who've been in ministry, I now see how important it is to really know how to study and interpret Scripture. So many things can be imported onto the missions field or into ministry that are not essential, and this becomes legalism. On the other side, it's also important to know what IS essential to the Gospel or else we end up in liberalism where we're not preaching the Gospel at all. One missionary working with Muslims was talking about how important it is to have theological training and to have a Biblical view of the church- one degree off and you can unintentionally start a cult. Also, in regards to spiritual reproduction and missions, it is important not just to pass down a ministry, but to train people up to be studiers of the Word in the right way so that, as the Holy Spirit works and leads individuals and a group, there's freedom for a ministry to grow in God's direction without a deviation from the truth. I want to, through getting training in God's Word, have an established Biblical worldview and framework through which I see all of human history (past, present, future) because this affects what I'm living for, what I do, and how I do it. And I want to have tools to correctly read and interpret Scripture. In faith, I'm trusting that though I may not see immediate fruit during my time here, He will use this year to prepare me for future work ahead.

One sister worded it well when I was trying to explain why I felt God was calling me here- for personal edification and for future ministry. I'm planning on using this blog to write down, process, and share what I'm learning and reading here in school.. so hopefully others will be blessed as I am blessed too! Thanks for your prayers! Please keep praying for me!

To be free

2009-02-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:17-18

One of the biggest struggles for me has always been letting go of guilt from the past. Condemnation is one of the biggest ways that Satan steals my joy in God and many times, I still carry the burden and weight of sin already confessed to God.

I'm thankful though for the times that God allows me to remember my past, and then lets me see that by His redemptive grace and power, who I am now isn't who I used to be. And that because He bore the weight of sin and was crushed for me, I don't need to carry it around either.

It's a faith battle I think. Trusting in God's Word that Jesus' blood is enough. Trusting in His Work to continue that which He has begun in me. And receiving from others forgiveness and grace not as the means by which I'm cleansed, but as a result of God's work in them and as a way that Christ in them shines through. True cleansing and forgiveness comes at the cross alone, and I'm needing to come before the cross more than I am now. Oh, for more faith to be free.

God who keeps us

2009-01-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Phil 1:3-6

I'm thankful for the way God sovereignly weaves people in and out of our lives to remind us, through one another, how He is faithful to keep us.

This week, God brought to mind a sister of mine that I knew from Cornell. We went to different fellowships and didn't meet up regularly, but we were part of an interfellowship group my first year at school. Whenever we had a chance to pray and share with one another, I was always refreshed and uplifted to be with such a godly and like-minded sister with a heart for the world. She's one of those people that, whenever I think of or hear about, I am filled with joy and want to praise God for. We've kept in touch through each others' e-mail updates from the field/ministry since then (she's been in Africa now for 2+? years) and maybe 3 personal e-mails back and forth. I e-mailed her this week and received an update about some amazing things God's been doing in her life!

This morning as I thanked God for what He's been doing in her life, I was reminded of my freshman year when we were both in the interfelly group. We made a lot of mistakes in our immaturity and youthful zeal for God, and God used these mistakes to humble us. The next year God called us to be part of our ministries on campus in other ways, but wow..how He has worked in our lives since then. And not only ours, but other brothers and sisters that we were able to fellowship with that year. I was reminded that of that group, she's in Africa and probably going to be there for a while, another brother is now in Central Asia, and another sister is graduating from seminary with a missions degree.

I know it's only barely the beginning of our walks with Him, but it still is encouraging to see how He's led us differently in the last two and a half years and been faithful not only to lead, but to change us. It's also a blessing to see just how much joy it brings to hear of other brothers and sisters walking with the Lord...and to think that even though the amount of time we spend with certain brothers and sisters may vary in different seasons of our lives, the same God is working in all of our lives wherever we go.. and that in the future even if we're not together, because He is faithful, we will be able to hear of His work and praise Him for being so good to us.

During my cousin's wedding banquet in HK two weeks ago, my aunt and uncle placed me and my mom at a table full of missionaries (because they knew about how God's been leading me and wanted to give me a change to talk to them). It was powerful for me to just be sitting among these saints of God who've been on the field for varying amounts of time in different parts of Asia. One of the women, a leader in HK for Operation Mobilization, sat next to me when she heard I was going to go to seminary and told me "I'm always really excited to hear from young people like you! Because it was around your age that God called me..and I've been serving Him ever since!"

One thing that I've been learning more and more deeply since my first year in college is how impossible it is for me to follow God on my own strength. But I'm clinging to His promise and believing in faith that, by His grace, this will be the testimony of my life and the life of the precious brothers and sisters He's placed around me... "He's called me, and I've been serving Him ever since"- all to the glory and praise of the God who keeps us.

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."
Jude 24-25

In our time of need

2009-01-23T23:06:00.000-08:00

After I came back to NYC, I remember talking to a sister about being tired but not wanting to have the wrong perspective that because I served in ministry for 2 years, I deserved rest. She then asked me something that both convicted and freed me, she said "Is there a difference between deserving and needing?"

I think I often have the wrong perspective when I come to God- yes, I ask for things, but I'm afraid to truly come to Him in faith that He will meet me in my deepest needs for help and for transformation. I know that I don't deserve anything from Him, and I know there are some standards in His Word that He puts forth. So I come trying to pray for what I know I should (and often do want to) pray for, trying to will myself to do what's right. Many times I approach Him as who I think I should be but am not yet. I'm learning that instead, I can come to Him like the Syrophoenician woman who wouldn't stop begging Jesus for a "crumb"- the healing of her demon-possessed daughter. She was persistent not because of how much she felt she deserved for Jesus to heal her daughter, but because she was desperate and Jesus was the only one who could help. Not only am I allowed to come to Him this way, but it pleases Him when I come needy.

Hebrew 4:16 talks about approaching God's throne of grace with confidence. Why? To find mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. That's amazing to me- that Jesus calls us to come before Him in all of our neediness, and that in the posture of helplessness, we can humbly receive from Him. I'm seeing that my coming to God and saying "I can't. I just can't do it. I need You to do this in me. I need Your grace" is pleasing to Him because it means that He receives all the glory for being the One who works.

The other day I was trying to pray for a sister in Christ. There were some things that I wanted to pray for her about but for some reason I had a hard time doing it, and I didn't know why. Then the Holy Spirit guided me to pray another way- that He would help me to love her deeply from the heart. I realized that because of things that had happened in the past that strained our relationship, I needed to pray that God would first stir up in my heart a genuine love for her. In many ways, I was trying to move on ahead to do what I should do and what I believe is pleasing to God- but with my own strength. Through this, God wanted to work at the level not just of my actions, but my heart. He wanted to grant me the grace of a transformed heart by the power of His Spirit, and in being the One who changes my heart and gives me grace to love, He receives all the glory.

I'm seeing that one thing He was doing in the last two years of ministry at USC was allowing me to come to the end of my human capacity- physically, emotionally, spiritually. A bit embarrassing for me, to think that my max is two years. And not even my max, because God was giving me grace and sustaining me the whole time. Even after the first few weeks I was wondering what would happen if I just quit and went home. And this past V-SET was a reflection of how I have nothing to give- at the end of 8 weeks, I felt like I totally failed it and wasted much time. I fought it and still fight it, being brought to the end of my resources to the point where I just really.. can't. Where I can't possibly give any more, and I have to stop- not because I deserve a break, but because that's how needy and dependent I really am. Why? So that I will not receive any of the glory for being a tough servant or a persevering saint. Being emptied and exposed as a jar of clay in order that the all surpassing greatness of the treasure of Christ may be shown.

He also wants to show me His lovingkindness and care when I come to Him in brokenness. One of the most tender things that I've ever heard God speak to me was last year at WHEC. For a while I'd been having pressure/pain in my chest and shoulder area that wasn't quite physical (I can't quite explain it...but I kind of feel it sometimes so you can pray for me about it). Sometimes when I prayed, it'd start to lift off or when I tried to praise or if I felt guilty, it felt worse. It's not something that really is unbearably painful, but after a while of having it- like months- it was hard to keep bearing and going on. During communion one Sunday as I prayed, I felt like Jesus just asked me really gently, concerning the pain: "Does it hurt?" and I broke down. I needed to know that He cared and He wanted me to be able to humbly tell Him that I am not tough, but weak.

Last week, I read a chapter of a book John Piper wrote to pastors. I was browsing the table of contents and the heading caught my eye: Brothers, Tell Them [the congregation] Not To Serve God. The truth he expounds on are beginning to change the way that I am walking with God and what it means to serve Him. I was going to write more about it, but I'll just quote a section here. This is how I'm learning to come to my Maker, Sustainer, Savior, God...

What is God looking for in the world? Assistants? No. The gospel is not a "help wanted" ad. It is a help-available ad. Neither is the call to Christian service. God is not looking for people to work for Him. "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show His might in behalf of those who heart is blameless toward Him" (2 Chron. 16:9).
What does God want from us? Not what we might expect. He rebukes Israel for bringing Him so many sacrifices: "I will accept no bull from your house. . . . For every beast of the forest is Mine. . . .If I were hungry, I would not tell you; for the world and all that is in it is Mine" (Ps. 50:9-12).

But isn't there something we can give to God that won't belittle Him to the status of beneficiary? Yes. Our anxieties. It's a command: "Cast all your anxieties on Him" (1 Peter 5:7). God will gladly receive anything from us that shows our dependence and His all-sufficiency.

The difference between Uncle Sam and Jesus Christ is that Uncle Sam won't enlist you in his service unless you are healthy and Jesus won't enlist you unless you are sick. "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). Christianity is fundamentally convalescence. Patients do not server their physicians. They trust them for good prescriptions. The Sermon on the Mount is our Doctor's medical advice, not our Employer's job description.
But even that analogy doesn't get it quite right. Even trusting our doctor to tell us wise and healing things to do may leave us trying to do them in our own strength. God is not only the doctor who prescribes. He is the nurse who lifts up our powerless head and puts the spoon in our mouth (or who hangs the bag of intravenous medicine). And He is the medicine.
Our very lives hang on not working for God. "To one who works, his wages are not reckoned as a gift but as his due. And to one who does not work but trust Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is reckoned as righteousness" (Rom. 4:4-5). Workmen get no gifts. They get their due. If we would have the gift of justification, we dare not work. God is the workman in this affair. And what He gets is the glory of being the benefactor of grace, not the beneficiary of service...

Who then shall we serve and not serve? Psalm 123:2 gives part of the answer: "Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till He have mercy upon us." The good way to serve God is to look to Him for mercy.

(Read the whole thing when you have time: article.)

Mt. 11: 28-30

2008-12-29T12:27:00.000-08:00

Here exposed without a claim
No self-defense or bargaining pleas
Tired and burnt out, collapsed
I had not known I needed rest.

Many years have I walked on
Burden wearing, baggage carrying
Unaware this heavy load
Has sapped my joy and slowed my running.

Vain attempts to justify
Myself have left me drained instead
Digging either for good works
Or shifting blame for my own sin.

"Come, you heaven laden, come
For true rest in your souls through Me.
Quiet now, you need no words
With me- your Pardon and soul's Peace"

Sabbath He extends to me
Based not on merit or in self
But in the finished work of
Christ- His death and resurrection.

Teach me in my inmost place
To trust and lay my burdens down
And find true intimacy
Not striving but at rest in faith.

Literally

2008-12-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 1 Thes. 4:17

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Ps. 100:5

I've been thinking about how when God says "forever", He means it. In secular songs, artists use that word all the time, almost flippantly. But, when we worship and sing about how we will worship Him eternally, how His love endures forever, and how one day we'll be with him for eternity...that's actually true. That's just awesome.

And the more I get to know Him each day, the more I'm looking forward to that day.

Prayer Request

2008-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

Hey all, a prayer request...

On Monday, one of the brothers from the church in Flushing passed away due to complications from a heart surgery he'd come to America (from China) to have. He and his mom were baptized only a few weeks ago and accepted Christ after coming here. I saw her in the hospital room moments after he'd passed away and the immenseness of the pain and grief she's going through having lost her 18 year old son, I can't even begin to imagine.

Please pray for her (Mrs. Lin) and the family (dad and brother) - for the supernatural comfort and presence of God during this time.

Thanks.

Neither present nor future

2008-12-11T16:31:00.001-08:00

I started another book- "Future Grace" (John Piper). The premise of the book is how we are to live by faith in God's future grace. I believe that a paradigm shift is starting in my soul and praying for breakthrough. I may write more about that as I read it..but blessed in a new way today thinking about 2 Cor. 12:9.. just the first part "Your grace is sufficient for me..."

Out of the AEIOU technique for meditating on a verse (Ask, Emphasize, In your own words/Illustrate, Other references, Use). I think the "emphasize" is my favorite. Probably because I have a lot of fun playing with emphasizing different words in the same sentence in general. (WHAT are you doing? What AREEE you doing? What are YOU doing?..etc..) Tonight's phrase that jumped out at me was My grace is sufficient.

I'm starting to see how much fear I have is rooted in not believing that God's grace will be sufficient. I've realized that it's as if I can look back and say "Yes, God's grace has been enough"...but there is still fear in my heart as I look ahead, especially in light of past mess ups, brokenness, sins, struggles, etc:

What if I fall again into the same things? What if He calls me to do something harder? What if He calls me to do something I've done already? (it was hard!) What if...

God is helping me to start resting in the sufficiency of His grace. Paul writes that God's grace "IS sufficient." It's in the present tense..and will continue to remain so. He doesn't say it merely was sufficient. Which means that in whatever circumstance, He will continue to give me grace to live and walk with Him, to obey, and even to trust Him.

Paul writes in Romans 8:29 that "neither present nor future..will be able to separate us from the love of God." Present nor future. I am learning to rest in that with new faith steps as I strain to look forward and forget what is behind. Woww..what a great promise.

He knew

2008-12-06T16:29:00.000-08:00

"But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son to me, in order that I might preach him among the Gentiles.."
Galatians 1:15-16a

I've been enjoying listening to a series by Francis Chan on Galatians on grace. He talked about how Paul was saved and set apart for God's purposes by God's grace. He also talked about the freedom and confidence it brings to know that you were made by God specifically for whatever you are doing.

Yesterday, I went to share at S.W.A.T. (my youth group at the church I grew up in until junior year of high school). I've never shared something that was supposed to resemble a "message" before and it was a blessing for me to know that God has made me and given me specific experiences, intending for me to share His Word to a specific group of youth at a specific day.

Being back at CCCS (the church in NJ) brought back a rush of memories. I gave Jeff a tour of the place... our secret places when we ran around after church, where we threw a surprise party for Jessi, where me and 2 other girls waited after Theo told Jerry that we liked him in 5th grade, Ian's office..where we used to throw out little noise bombs and wait for our parents to get out of meetings.

It was crazy to think that throughout all those times...God knew. Crazy to think that as I was running around in my own little world, wrapped up in my own little things, He knew exactly what He was going to bring me through, how He was going to transform me, and how He would bring me back a completely different person to the same place to proclaim His goodness and faithfulness.

What a love. What grace...

Reading!

2008-11-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

One thing I've been enjoying since coming back is more time to read books! I hadn't had or made much time to read in the past few years and I'm currently in the middle of a few books. Just wanted to share what they were..

In order of when I started them:

Crazy Love- Francis Chan
Blessed by the reminder that I need God to bring me to love Him more. The Greatest Commandment has been coming up now and then in my mind recently, and Revelations 2 as well..returning to my First Love.

Death By Love - Mark Driscoll
For the past year, I've been noticing that I haven't been cherishing the cross of Christ and the Gospel as much as I'd been speaking about it. Really blessed by how real the cross is and the depth of its impact on every part of our broken lives.

The Discipline of Grace - Jerry Bridges
Yeah, again...just being reminded that I need to live in light of the Gospel every day, "preaching it" to myself again and again.

What's So Amazing About Grace? - Philip Yancey
Started it today. It's amazing how much He's changed me since the first time I started to pick it up..probably my senior year of high school. Think it's really timely for me to read right now as I'm seeing how I've been caught up more and more in legalism in blatant and subtle ways.

OH! and...

The Bible - God speaking through human authors
Read through Luke in the past few days and identified much with the Pharisees who constantly tried to, as Luke writes repeatedly "justify themselves". I'm seeing how those who tried to justify themselves were called out by Jesus as who they really were and those who knew their brokenness and sin were the ones Jesus defended. I want to be defended by Jesus. (1 Jn. 2:1-2) Read through Galatians today and was deeply touched by the freedom that we are called to in Christ...and how much Paul talked about how God justifies. Learning much these days and letting God get into heart issues with His Gospel. I'm learning to own up to who I am as a sinner- one fallen far short of the glory of God- in new ways (instead of trying to defend my actions or try to cover them up with better behavior), and in so doing, allowing the cross of Christ to minister to me in deeper ways. As Shane & Shane put it, "embracing accusation".

Hallelujah!

I Need Thee Every Hour

2008-10-30T19:22:00.001-07:00

I've been experiencing God's grace so bountifully these days. I'm thankful for how He's been waking me up with a heart of joy and praise. This morning as I thanked Him for His boundless grace, He showed me that His grace and mercy are infinite because He is infinite.

Yesterday night, on the way to a praise and worship night, I got impatient with my mom about directions. Ten minutes before I was going to walk into praise God, I lost it with my tone and attitude and when I walked into the room of worshipping people, I sat down feeling disgustingly selfish, shaking my head, thinking "How can worship God?" and feeling like a fake.

God reminded me of 1 John (I just read through it yesterday morning), how if I claim to be without sin I make Him out to be a liar and how He promises to forgive. Then He spoke to my heart saying that even if I hadn't lost my patience, I still would only be able to approach Him in praise through the blood of His Son.. and that His grace is not only poured out on the days when I feel like I'm doing well, but as much (if not more so) on those when I fall and fail.

I shared with my mom this morning and she reminded me of this quote from Discipline of Grace:

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace." - Jerry Bridges

Top 25

2008-10-22T02:33:00.001-07:00

Cause all You are is all I want, always

Draw me close in Your arms, O God, I wanna be with You

Always - Hillsong

I'm listening through my Top 25 playlist*- the songs I've listened to the most over the last 5 years. Most of the play count was incurred (uh is that the proper use of the word?) during my first two years in college I think. God really used music to draw me into His presence at that time and the lyrics of the songs I listened to the most expressed the deepest longings of my heart to be with God, and my desire to desire only One thing.

The songs that resounded most deeply with me during worship and were part of my Top 25 were ones that cried for rescue and that expressed the deep yearning for Him in the part of my heart that felt empty or not yet filled with Him. As I listened, I would always pray through the Psalms about desiring God: 84, 27, 73, 42. They were my favorites.

When I went back to Cornell a few weeks ago, worshipping Him in Sage Chapel (my favorite place!) again, the songs that I was looking to sing and praise Him with were different. I wanted to sing songs of worship just for His goodness, glory, and who He's shown Himself to be o me ..because I've experienced Him as good since those years and He has answered my cries for more of Himself so that I no longer felt empty and desperate.

I'm thankful though that God continues to place me into new situations in which He asks me again, "Do you love me more? Do you desire only me?" And right now, at 5:41 am in the morning, in a different stage of life with different things on my mind and heart than were on the heart of freshman Faith (yeah, I just refered to myself in third person. That's how I refer to the first year me..), I want to be able to say.. Yes Lord. I still want You like I did then, except even more because I have seen that You will come to those who draw near to You and that You are even better than I'd ever dreamed of or imagined. Help me desire You.

* In case you're interested..my top 25 in order starting from most listened to: Where the Love Lasts Forever. Your Love Is Extravagant. Always. Only You. Cry In My Heart. Still. You're Everything. Spoken For. Rescue. Call Me Beautiful. Take My Love. The Answer. O Wondrous Love. Whole World In His Hands. To The Ends Of The Earth. Small Enough. Beauty of Your Peace. Oh Lord To You. Voice Of Truth. In Christ Alone. Take My Life. Who Am I. You Said. All For Love. Come And Listen.

Insistence Upon Seeing Ahead...

2008-10-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

Read this in a Bible study today...

From Tozer's "The Knowledge of the Holy":

To believe actively that our Heavenly Father constantly spreads around us providential circumstances that work for our present good and our everlasting well being brings to the soul a veritable benediction. Most of us go through life praying a little, planning a little, jockeying for position, hoping but never being quite certain of anything, and always secretly afraid that we will miss the way. This is a tragic waste of truth and never gives rest to the heart. There is a better way. It is to repudiate our own wisdom and take instead the infinite wisdom of God. Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to Him. Here is His promise: “And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.” [Is. 42:16. This is the verse He gave me this past year and again recently.]

Let Him lead the blindfold onwards,

Love needs not to know;

Children whom the Father leadeth

Ask not where they go.

Though the path be all unknown,

Over moors and mountains lone.

(Gerhard Teersteegen)

God constantly encourages us to trust Him in the dark. "I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron: and I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel."

Word

2008-09-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

Two verses that God's been bringing to mind...

Isaiah 26:3 (He must have brought it up at least 4 times now)

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because He trusts in you."

Proverbs 19:21 (This was a verse I held on to in undergrad years as I was struggling thru decisions about my major, future, etc. The Holy Spirit brought it up this morning as I was lying in bed, and many times today as I am learning to keep my thoughts in check.)

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Really thankful for a fresh read of the Word these past two days, not just looking for personal applications and specific verses to stand out, but reading through it to hear God speak through general themes as He gives me a deeper understanding of the text as a whole. Through Jeremiah today, He was convicting me of the way I've compromised in speaking the hard-to-hear truth as the false prophets of the time did and also have had a heart unwilling to accept the hard-to-swallow rebukes when it's really God speaking. I've heard it before and knew it was something I'm "weak in", but I saw today how His Word is able to convict deeper than even my personal experience. It really is God's truth that can teach, rebuke, correct, and train in righteousness.

Being still and looking ahead

2008-09-26T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful that God let me run into Dr. Kang today. He graduated as a Chemistry major from Cornell who is now on the faculty of Gordon Conwell. After talking a bit about his undergrad days, I asked him a lot of questions...and God used him to remind me that I "still have a few years ahead of me- which is a euphemism for 'Chill out!'".. to be still, live in the now, obeying Him in the here and now when I'm tempted to go crazy thinking about the future.

In light of learning about the modern missions movement Perspectives on World Missions course last semester and all the things I'm seeing around me in the world, I've been feeling so ill-equipped and unprepared. As I'm looking at the different degree programs that I could potentially go into and think about what I have "to give", I'm seeing how much I don't have and I find myself wondering "Why was I a HD major?? I have no marketable skills!" One prof that was at my lunch table today reminded us that God doesn't waste anything.

I never realized how much I thought about the future. Not just in terms of what to "do with my life" in terms of my profession, but in being scared of making choices or making mistakes because of the possible consequences. What if I don't talk to this person right now and this happens? What if I shouldn't have said that? What if...? Being at Gordon these past few days, I'm seeing how important my theology is and how much I am influenced by who I think God is. All these fears- especially of unintentionally disobeying- shows how much I need to grow in trusting in His sovereignty, how He is Lord over all things (even my choices and my past), and how I need to grow in knowing that He is good and gracious. What freedom and breathing room it would bring into my life to truly believe that, and what space to truly grow in my knowledge and understanding of God.

One of the many verses God has given me during this time is John 8:31-32.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

I still have so much more to know of Him. Excited.

Integrity & Housework

2008-09-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

One thing that always bugged me about being at home was how I seemed to get in trouble for such little things. I always felt like my mom was making a bigger deal of things than they should be and resented the way that, for her, everything somehow turned into pointing to a deeper character issue. It's been stressful getting reprimanded so often again after 5 years of being away from home and similar feelings as the ones I had as a kid have been surfacing in the last few weeks. Little corrections have brought out disproportionally big emotional reactions out of myself pointing to a rubber band ball kind of jumble of anger, hurt, and bitterness in my heart.

I'm thankful though that being back here after two years in LA, God has matured me to finally be able to see things in a different light and respond differently. In the past year, He's been reassuring me of who I am in Him and strengthening my heart with His love in such a way that I have finally been able to see the truth of Hebrews 12- that He disciplines those He loves and that it's because I am worth much to Him that He takes the time and effort to change and correct me. So as He's been working through hidden hurts and anger, I've been able to just let the thoughts of worthlessness/ hopelessness slide that would've gripped my heart in the past when I felt like I messed up.

One thing my mom has been stressing over the last few weeks (as I've been called out for the things I've let slide- like not washing my sneakers for the past 2 years at all..yeah..now that I'm thinking about it, it's gross... or being careless in misplacing my stuff) is that "everything is spiritual". I was talking on the phone with Steph, telling her all the things I should be doing- mainly doing some cleaning and other housework. She asked me why I haven't just been doing it, and I told her I didn't know, laziness, not "feeling like it"?

I read in a book a few weeks ago about the definition of integrity, how it's from the same root that "integer" is from, which denotes a sense of wholeness or completeness. I think that's one thing that God is doing in my life here now that I'm back home, teaching me that being Christ-like means being the same person that I am during meet-ups/ EV time that I am at home when my mom is cooking and I just want to chill on the couch or there's laundry sitting in the bathroom that if I left alone, she'd take care of. I wouldn't say "Oh, I just didn't feel like it" as an excuse to not minister to people, I can't say the same thing while I'm at home.

I heard a message by Lila Trotman today and she talked about "on-the-spot training" where you give someone the go-ahead to basically call you out and correct you on things, not just during one-to-ones or evaluation times, but as you live. (She shared an example about being rebuked right away when she was caught exaggerating.) As I listened I felt like that's what God's provided me as I've grown up here...and I am thankful.

So yup, on-the-spot training in integrity right now, and learning to worship God in it all.

First Blog!

2008-09-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I decided to start a blog. The "Shouting Whispers" thing comes from the Matthew 10:27. The NLT says-

"What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ear, shout from the housetops for all to hear "

Many times I have a hard time deciding whether or not to share for fear that it's out of wrong motivations. But this verse encourages me that it's ok to (sometimes)! So yeah, hoping that this will be a blessing and that I'll be able to keep some people updated as to what He's been speaking to and doing in me.