God-ward

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 26:36

I used to use my own inward desires as a gauge of my heart for God. Either that, or I measured it by my outward compliance to doing what was "right". I'm learning now though that there is no "inward" vs. "outward" obedience in Scripture (when there is a separation, it isn't true obedience). Rather, we are called to move God-ward, given the power to so because we've been given new hearts.

I'm seeing now how the God of the Bible is so different than what I've made him out to be and that he desires so much more than our feelings of satisfaction or our "ok FINE I'll do it." I used to think that not having the "heart" (defined by myself as passionate feelings) for God meant that I still hadn't loved God enough. Then I thought that meant until I did have the "right heart", I still had to do what was right just because it was right regardless of how I felt. I blamed my lack of desire to obey on my quiet times, not really having the right heart, sin, etc. Now I'm seeing how in these thoughts, I've missed the relational aspect of faith. Faith isn't some abstract concept, like some kind of idea we're tested on or an ambiguous, semi-measurable quality. It's, in essence, a looking to God.

I'm seeing now the beauty in a heart of faith that, coming honestly before God's throne of grace, chooses by grace to trust. This heart, in the midst of doubt and in the humble acknowledgment of the impossibility of forging our own obedience, is the regenerate heart- one that's not attained by our own achievement, merit, religiosity, or desire, but that is gifted to us. There must truly be some utterly life transforming force that enables a person to not say with popular culture, "I'll just do what I feel like" nor with religion, "I'll just do it because of principle." Only a new, living heart can pray "I have tasted, I know that my God is good. And now it's so hard, it hurts so much, my heart cannot obey. Oh God I need you. Oh God help me to trust you... From my gut and the very core of my being and all that's left of me, I choose to trust you." It's completely counterintuitive and impossible from a human perspective. It's completely life-transforming. And, I believe, it brings glory to God.

"What? You're not going to just go with what you feel like?" or "What? You're not doing this because you're inherently good, trying to make yourself a better person, or just because you feel guilty?"
No.
"Then why?..."
See, I'm a wreck. But God- he's given me a new heart.
"Really?..."
Yeah, it's crazy huh? But it's true.
"Wow. God must be amazing."
Yeah...tell me about it.



That would be awesome.

Trophies & Plaques

Took this picture inside a fort in Fort Wadsworth, Staten Island. Don't remember the story, think they were just moving out of the fort..a..long time ago and so they took the hanging stuff down.

Thought it was a good reminder. This'll happen to ours too, but they won't be moving with us.

Piety

I call "piety" that reverence joined with love of God which the knowledge of his benefits induces. For until men recognize that they owe everything to God, that they are nourished by his fatherly care, that he is the Author of their every good, that they should seek nothing beyond him- they will never yield him willing service. Nay, unless they establish their complete happiness in him, they will never give themselves truly and sincerely to him.

- John Calvin

Not Withholding

This summer I realized that I really am passive-aggressive.

I've been told this before and agreed, but didn't see it clearly in myself nor recognize it as wrong until I was teaching English in Xiamen. The kids were being rowdy already and I'd been losing my voice trying to speak over them, they were being reluctant about signing up for Olympic games, and we had just one more spot to fill that no one would sign up for. On top of this, I had to stand in front of the door so they wouldn't leave because they were complaining about getting out to lunch. Finally, I said "Ok, fine. We'll just have one person play this game. Go to lunch." I walked out to door feeling annoyed, but not that angry.

Even as the rest of the team confessed to having a hard morning and being angry with the kids, I didn't feel like I was mad until I passed by two of my students in the hallway. I responded to their "HIII MISSS FAAAIIITHHHH" with a "hello" and just totally walked past them. I wasn't going to shout at them. But I wouldn't keep loving them- I withheld because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. It freaked me out because I realized how sinful it was and how damaging it could be to those around me and destructive to my relationships. I don't want to make people feel like they have to earn my affection and approval. I don't want people to have to guess about how I'm doing, trying to figure out how I feel because I'm upset and I'm giving them the cold shoulder. I'm still learning about this, I close up to others and my heart shuts when I'm angry/ frustrated...But I'm learning to repent, talk it out, asking God to change me.

I'm thankful though, that God isn't like me.

For reasons beyond me (and totally about him) my life seems to show that God is committed to blessing me. Not necessarily by giving me what I want all the time. But that's the amazing thing. He's committed to blessing me with what is best, even though I complain against his way and his will. In my flesh, I even wanted to cancel the Olympics "You guys don't want to play these games? Fine! You miss out!" But God is so different. I question him in anger sometimes, with the ignorant and ungrateful audacity to say things like "Why do I always have to do what I don't want to do?" which implies "Why do you make me do this??" I am ungrateful for his leading. I have been in the past, and I'm struggling even with it now.

God is perfect in all his ways. He is loving and merciful. He is righteous and holy, deserving of my joyful obedience. And yet, even when I drag my feet with the wrong attitude, acting as if I'm doing God a favor by obeying him, questioning if he is good and if his ways are really best/worth it...he continues to shower me with grace upon grace. He continues to bear with me as he leads me down his path and his purpose until I finally am silenced because I really see that his way has been better all along. God is committed to me in a way that I have only started to comprehend.

If we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.
2 Timothy 2:13

Really now, who is like our God?

Excited and a bit scared

Leaving in 24 hours for Taiwan then China for the next 5 weeks. We'll be teaching English and working with local believers. Please keep us in your prayers! And let me know if you want in on e-mail updates by shooting me an email or leaving a comment.

Take care yall! =)

love,
Faith

First Love

Two weeks ago, we drove up to Cornell to bring Caleb up for summer session. I've been in Ithaca several times since coming back to NY, but the other times were either rushed or filled with seeing people...and it was colder. This time though, per Jeff's suggestion, got to take some time at night to walk around campus and look up. "Why do you thing God brought you here to Cornell?" The first thing thing I could think of was "To change my life." That was like the play-button or something because then started the reel...

All these memories replayed in my mind, showing me how faithful God has been and how real he felt to me then. I started remembering all these prayers I'd lifted up to God, times of frustration and questioning, times of rejoicing, major decisions I made, breakthroughs of surrender in my life, and just a sense of the deep intimacy with God I first started to experience in college.

As I've been coming up again to new points of surrender to God regarding his will and my own, it was a blessing to remember the things that, by grace, I had already said to God during my undergrad years. That I wanted to follow him, that I wanted nothing else than to know him, that my life was not my own...and to remember the context in which I prayed those things- in the transforming love of Christ and in a response of joyful gratitude.

Often it's felt like so much has changed since then and many times in the last few years, I've wondered "what happened?" Sure, I was immature in my zeal and did a lot of things in pride during that time, but at least I was excited, passionate, and felt close to God. What happened to that love? Why have things started to feel like drudgery?

I believe that part of it is God maturing me in my faith- what happens when I don't feel it? That he doesn't feel as near? That I'm not excited? It doesn't mean that I'm losing my faith, on the contrary, those are times that faith is refined. Still, up at Cornell again I didn't want to move...I missed that freshness in my walk with God and that closeness. In that, God gave me Hebrews 13:8...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

Thankful to remember that Jesus Christ is the same today. That the same God who I was getting to know in college and changed my life, continues to be the One who walks with me faithfully today.

Hound of Heaven

(Excerpt from Francis Thompson's poem The Hound of Heaven)

...Now of that long pursuit,

Comes at hand the bruit;

That Voice is round me like a bursting sea:

"And is thy Earth so marred,

Shattered in shard on shard?

Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest Me.

Strange, piteous, futile thing;

Wherefore should any set thee love apart?

Seeing none but I makes much of naught" (He said),

"And human love needs human meriting;

How hast thou merited --

Of all Man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot?

Alack! Thou knowest not

How little worthy of any love thou art!

Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,

Save Me, save only Me?

All which I took from thee, I did but take,

Not for thy harms,

But just that thou might'st seek it in My arms,

All which thy childs mistake

Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home --

Rise, clasp My hand, and come."

Halts by me that footfall --

Is my gloom, after all,

Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?

"Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,

I am He Whom thou seekest!

Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."